Mother's Day

Today is Mexican Mother's Day, tomorrow is my mom's birthday, and Sunday is American Mother's Day, and suddenly it makes sense as to why I've been feeling the way I have. Well, not fully, but I forget how much spring affects me. My sister's and I birthdays, my little cousin and grandpa's death, my mom's annual depression, and Mother's Day is just the cherry on top. 

I love my mom, that's not hard for me say or convince of myself, but she is really hard to love. My mom swears she's my number one supporter, but that's simply not true. For as long as I can remember, she's always been critical of me, whether it be how I dress, how I act, what I like, my emotions, my passions, my grades, my friends, my weight, my hobbies, my attitude, everything. I know it comes from a place of love, but trying to understand that is so. fucking. difficult. She drives me insane sometimes. When she doesn't listen to me, when she makes things about herself, when she makes her mood affect the whole household, when she becomes so depressed she forgets she has children, when she gets so mad she starts throwing things, when she says hurtful things and forgets she's ever said it, when she compares me to other girls, when her emotions get the best of her and she starts rummaging through the knives. And even through all of that, I still can't find it in me to ever truly hate her, and I hate that. Because I'm so much like her. 

I hate how whenever I get mad, I feel the urge to throw things. I hate how depressed I feel, I forget I have responsibilities. I hate how stubborn I can be, I hate myself when I say hurtful things to others, I hate when I compare myself to other girls, I hate how my emotions get the best of me. I hate similar I am to my mom, yet I can never love myself the way I love my mom. 

My mom gets weirdly emotionally and sad during Mother's Day, just add to the list of how alike I am to my mom.