unsent letter

i thought writing out my feelings would help. maybe it won't, maybe it will. i don't expect you to ever read this, honestly, this is just for me.

~

some days i miss you, some days i wish i was ready or that we met earlier, some days i hate you for leaving, some days i'm relieved you did, some days i wish we had never met, and some days i just want to forget the world exists. i never expected you to understand, we had such different life circumstances anyways. 

grieving and loss are weird things to put next to relationships of any sort. i got obsessive over keeping everyone in my life no matter what. my friend told me, "you had no malicious intent, but you did extreme things to try to prevent more loss. i get it. grieving is tough." so now i must try to acknowledge the pain i caused and move forward and heal. 

things i need to remember:

- you did not tell me an important conflict issue that was there from the beginning, so i could not work towards potentially resolving it or trying to work through it with you. that put a major dent through our trust with each other and could have been prevented

- values such as opposite-gender friendships were iffy with us anyway. i don't know if we would have even been able to move past that at all

- i felt anxious whenever i did something for myself. i always felt like a bad person, and i don't deserve to feel that way. i have made sh*tty mistakes and i own up to it. but i am not a bad person because of these mistakes. they do not define me

- i received validation from my therapist about the event that led to our 'downfall'. i had told her, and she responded with, "but it was necessary, wasn't it? you were trying to see if you were finally ready for something and not just craving attention and intimacy. you found out the results and reported back, and got a different result than you were hoping for. what were you hoping for?" 

(to be honest, i'm not sure. maybe i was still self-sabotaging at that point as a way to feel like i have some sort of self-control over a situation. act a certain way, get a specific reaction, feel like there's power. it's dumb, and a cycle i have to break.)

- i am still not ready. this was probably a major setback, cuz now i have to get over this too. hah. but it's okay that i took the time to learn what i do and don't need. i need to rewrite my 'list of wants and needs' in a relationship, get over this bullsh*t, and chill out for a while longer.

~

that did feel good. can't say i didn't cry a ton while writing, but. it felt nice to say things i wanted to say to you that i probably never will. 

i hope you're well.

bye.