I can't believe I forgot about this site for a bit（ಥ﹏ಥ）anyways life update (gender mostly)

I officially failed two semesters of college, so I don't know what to do now :(. I've been thinking about moving on campus so maybe I'm more motivated because living at my house with family makes me unmotivated to show up to class + I really love my job and I live really close to it, so I only get up on time for that.

I also started a new medication for my ADHD so I can focus better. the one I was previously I had started in 8th grade and now I'm in college, so it was definitely time for a change. Unfortunately, I forgot how starting a new med feels like so I've been shaking so much, my mouth is always dry, and I can't eat no matter how hungry I am. Thankfully I have my coworkers to rant about this to.

I still don't know what job I want for the future. I want to study wildlife, I want to work on ranch and herd cattle, I want to be a vet tech or veterinarian, I want to write books, I want to design, I want to act, I want to be in a band, I want to create artwork with my hands, I want to study history, I want to be etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.

I've also been so confused about my gender. I want to be a boy, but I want to a girl, but I don't want to be either. I've always switched between he, she, and they pronouns ever since I was in 7th grade. Gender dysphoria is awful, but I don't have gender dysphoria, but I do. I don't understand this anymore and just want to say "Fuck it! Call me he, she, or they! I'm just a person! A being! This doesn't matter anymore!" but it feels like it matters in a way.

There's also a guy I like but he's straight. I want to be a woman for him, but I need to accept that I'm more than likely not a woman. I've always felt nonbinary but maybe I'm not that entirely.

I've always been confused about my gender. I'm 19 and have been asking myself the same questions about my gender since I was 12. I had a binder than lost it, but I felt so comfortable with a flat chest. I ordered a new one and I'm going to give this another try and hopefully come to a conclusion about my gender. Honestly, I need to stop letting straight guys I like be my only reason to call myself a woman.

Sorry for this rant and ramble that wasn't supposed to be one. And apologies for any mistakes. I was writing in all lowercase without any grammar then tried to edit it.