I try to be more likeable to other people but still, they won't prefer me

May 8, 2024

They always say, be yourself and people will love who you truly are and I just think there's something wrong with myself that they don't like. 

Cousin > Me

I have a cousin who was born abroad and is a foreigner and while she's here, I was the one who mostly entertained her because I was a lot more extroverted and was willing to speak English even when I was shit and had grammatical errors because here in our country its embarrassing to speak English badly and its just hard to speak in a foreign language. So in short, I had more personality and made more effort creating a connection than my female cousin, lets call her Z (Z is my close cousin here in our country). Z is also tall, skinny, and pretty and inn short, I just felt like my cousin from abroad just prefers her more than me I just know with body language, you know? 

Next is with another family member lets call her Y and she's our aunt even though she's 24 years old, IDK. she sat down at our table at a family event, we never had a decent conversation with her even though we've seen each other in family events in the past but she sat down and I immediately made topics, asked about her work, family etc, and made more efforts in the conversation and in the end, we had a great time. 

but, we had to meet at another event, just casual and I just see that Y is prefering Z more and I was expecting Y to reach out to me more because on that family event, I was the one who was conversing and engaging with her a lot more. But there she was talking and being on Z's side a lot more. 

Now, I feel that with my best friend at our major. Lets call her X and earlier, we had the JAVA exam. She had 600+ points while I had 500+ points and our professor was behind us and looking at our scores and he compared our scores. I just felt shitty. I also feel like there's tension with him and me. 

also we had an aquaintance with a person that is from the same elementary school I went in. I greeted her happy birthday but she didn't say thank you and just smiled and it felt fake ofcourse. I just think about what I have done or made that person feel, you know? maybe my greeting felt fake? maybe I have ignored her before? I don't know! I don't understand

Also, there are several random people at school that I think are weirded out by me. few from theater club like 3 of them because I tried to join, one from the student leaders, one from PE class, some from the cafeteria, and all of my classmates in Elementary that are in the same uni.  I don't know, Am I overthinking again? I just wanna let it out because my eyes is literally swollen because I have been crying since afternoon. 

I just wanna see myself through their eyes, am I missing social cues? Am I not understanding things? I just don't want unintentionally make others feel weird or offend them but maybe I just lack the social intelligence. 

I just hate thinking about why people hate me and realizing its also my fault why they felt that way about me because I can't understand social cues and I look at people in the eye and thats weird, and I unintentionally ignore them, or whatever. it makes me feel like a bad and unlikable person. I try to be myself so I feel some sort of love for who I am but it just feels like who I am shouldn't be. It's difficult feeling like whatever I do, people will hate me, or when I try to be liked they still prefer other people it just feels like the problem is me. Is it also because of how I look? Because I'm fat? 

Anyway, its too negative, I know but its a problem that I have always thought about and experienced for a long time and I just dont want it to be like this anymore. Maybe with a little over analyzation, I'll be able to change. It's difficult, I just want to kill and bury this me.