Fitting in

In grade 7, I would try to be "different" and be cringe like the others, I always did things like them in order to fit in, looking back, I should just d-e, I wish no one met me, I wish I could go back time to k-ll myself, I wish I was never friends with them in the first place.

I'm a child who wants to be noticed by everyone, I always craved attention, I always do things to fit in, so that no one will hate me, turns out, everyone already hates me, see, when I moved to a new grade and went to a new section, my old classmates started ignoring me, my existence.
They all used to be my friends in the previous grade, but now, I'm in the other section as there in the other, they don't need me anymore, I did stuff that's unforgivable in the past, that's why they all hated me, I tried to change, I really stopped bothering them, it's not like they greet me, they wait for me to greet, well, some do greet me first, I'm still grateful that they do but I cant forgive myself, even after all the bad stuff I did, some still greet me. Stupid stuff in order to fit in.. I hate myself

I want to say sorry to those I hurt, but I can't since I lack the courage to talk to anyone, anxiety takes over when I ever see them or when I'm close to them, I feel scared whenever I am near them, I want to run away and hide, I would look at them and think "they really are living the best lives" I'm jealous, I understand that they are changed people, I mean puberty hit us, but I hate puberty, I'm not improving much, I'm still stuck in the past, I cant forgive myself, I'm so pathetic, always thinking of the past instead of my future, I hate this, I want to d-e, I wish was never born, to the people I hurt, I'm so sorry, I wish I was d-ad, I hate this.