Maybe I'm just mentally ill

This isn't something that's new to me, I always knew there was something wrong with me. But maybe it's more serious than I thought it was. And yes, it is yet again about my work crush. 

I feel too embarrassed to talk about it with someone irl, so I'll just settle for here, it's not like anyone reads them so it's okay. I just really need to get it off my chest, because unfortunately, he's all I've been thinking about recently. Literally once I wake up to when I go to sleep. It's so infuriating. 

Which leads me to why I'm writing this, I can never like someone a normal amount. I mean, I can, but sometimes it comes to a point where my feelings for the person become so overwhelming since I do nothing to ease the feeling, so I just sit with all these emotions until my chest starts to ache and my mind is consumed of him and only him. It's so embarrassing. Because how am I meant to act normal whenever I see when I know I've had these devastating dreams about him? 

And the craziest part of all this, I don't even mind it. Usually when I know I'm developing feelings for someone, I get really aggravated and short tempered because I hate the person I become. But this time around, it's almost like I want to feel these feelings. I want to daydream about him and wonder what he's doing. I want to imagine a world where he could possibly like me too, I want to think of all the ways I can ask him out. 

I just know I sound like a fucking psycho. But in my defense, I haven't felt like this is literal years. It's kind of pathetic, but I'm tired of feeling bad about my feelings (if that makes any sense). For once, I want to welcome it. I don't want to run away from it anymore.