Wreck 6/5/2024

These days I feel like a wreck 

Last week I kept wanting to cry and not having the energy to act in class like I was fine. Im hating when people talk, I hate words, I hate conversations

After loosing the train on Monday and having to wait for a taxi, I felt so alone. I had nobody to call. I have nobody to call. I'm actually alone.

On Tuesday I was more a zombie than a person. Or a ghost. I walked to the next bus stop cus in mine there was Berry waiting. I sat on some stairs waiting for the bus, knowing I had to skip the one berry was probably in. 

And I was here on the verge of tears, not knowing what to do with myself, feeling like I should hurt myself, feeling like I should die, not understand even what my emotions are about the situation from last year. What my emotions are to my classmates, especially Berry. I wish it was easier. I wish I was just filled with hate. But I don't know. I feel like I never knew and I'll never know. I almost unblocked him to wrote just "sorry".

I don't even know why. I don't know my feelings. And when I'm not feeling, I'm just this apathic ghost thats sitting in class but not actually there with the head. 

I started smoking again. Cus of self hate. Cus maybe nicotine really is that addicting.

Later this week I'm gonna give a letter to part of my family and come out. And then at school too cus dysphoria these months has been terrible. I need to be able to buy trans tape. I need to be able to start some kind of therapy. I don't give a fuck about talking about my traumas or my depression or my anxiety I just need a fucking doctor that can write yep this bitch needs T or whatever.