autism & me

i'm just gonna riff and talk about my autism for a fat second, hope you don't mind.

i am not diagnosed, but have known i am autistic for about 3 years. i've done extensive investigation and self reflecting so don't worry.

i realized only recently that yes i do actually hyperfixate and have special interests. for a while i thought i did not experience those because i hadn't really had a major hyperfixation around the time i was finding out i was autistic. actually, i hadn't realized i had a constant level of anxiety until i expressed my thought process to a friend who made me aware of it.

i'm now older and more aware of myself, yet i still didn't recognize my new fixation/special interest (idk which it is now) for a few months whilst constantly thinking and collecting online artifacts (pinterest boards with thousands of pins, constantly online looking for inspiration and knowledge, investing the money i spent almost entirely related to my interests, etc)

i stim often, have trouble with eye contact and appearing rude, and am socially distant and do not want to talk to those i do not click with quickly. i suspect that people find me cold if they don't know me, i'm working on that. as a child i had extreme social trouble and rarely found friends, has frequent breakdowns with high depression and anxiety, but it got better and i never really reflected on my early childhood until my teen years began.

in the last few months, due to increased anxiety and long-term paranoia from a traumatic greening out, paired with increasing premenstrual dysphoric disorder, my sensory needs increased in tandem while my general quality of life decreased. i'm on both birth control and antidepressants, which have stabilized my mood significantly, but my autism needs are not quite keeping up, and i may be entering a burnout from how often i'm going out without accommodations and ignoring my own needs. asking for support makes me feel too vulnerable and less respected because i'm not just fine all by my lonesome, but it takes guts, and i must try to be proud when i find the guts to ask for decreased volume or a break from talking. and if it truly made my friends respect me less when i request something easy to fulfill for my well being, that's their problem.

thx for reading.