# 14; * doublefeature

4/26/2024

none of it feels right off my tongue despite how raw it all is. and it feels wrong to say that so i dont know whats right anymore. my isolation is imminent and i feel guilty for dreading it. i wonder if i'll ever really get used to walking in circles. i wonder the next time a pair of hands will grip my waist. despite everything i still feel disposable. despite everything i feel like i'll never have another go at things. i feel like the beetle in the desk from the wicker man even though it pains me to even consider such a thing. i feel fraudulently molded and incapably placed. i'm horrified of crystal balls. i need a breather; its all going too fast to comprehend any of it. wasting the nights & trudging through the days. an oasis pops up every now & then but its usually a mirage. i continue to push forward bc i dont see much else to do. i need to build a new kind of monotony to make my own but i need to fucking catch my breath first. i wish i saw more of you in myself. it's a hundred marathons just to get up and go to bed. i like forgetting what time is because it makes me feel like it's fine to exist the way i do when i make. i want to carve you into every tree i come across along the way. i cant wait to wake up when this part is over— well, all of it will be over except a few things (& you). sorry 2 keep u longer than usual. i wouldnt say i was feeling particularly inspired— but i had an itch all the same.

xoqr