been reading a lot

712 saturday

i think i am positively loosing my mind.

i don’t know what’s wrong with me, and i didn’t use to care, but now i am getting worried because my mind has been going on and off incessantly and it’s painful and i hate it. 

i feel like i feel, but i also really don’t. my feelings are more those of euphoria, disgust and anger, a lot of sadness, but i don’t think i can experience happiness. most of the time, when sadness is not present, i just feel numb and indifferent, and sometimes i think it’s alright and other times i want to truly die.

then there’s the whole friends thing—i don’t have any. i do, i’m human, but we rarely talk (except with my two best friends) and i haven’t gone out to get drunk in months, it’s horrible and i kind of fear the fact that i care while also not? i feel like i’ve never, truly, deeply, cared for much regarding relationships, and i can only enjoy the euphoria they give me until they fuck up and make me feel disgust towards them. i don’t know, i don’t know anything.

therapy is a no-brainer ‘cause i do not want to spend money right now, so ich bin fucked.