Having a crush is fucking stupid

I unfortunately have become the person who talks about their crush whenever the time is right and honestly I hate it so much, it makes me feel stupid and crazy and I just hate the person I become when I like someone romantically. However, this time it feels different. And no, not because I think this crush is "the one" for me. It's because for someone reason, this crush feels more challenging, and not in the way you'd think. From all my past crushes, I would always look for one thing I knew my crush liked and ran with it. 

For example, in 8th I had a crush on this boy named Cesar who's favorite artist was twenty one pilots. I had no idea who they were or what type of music they made, but because I knew how much of a fan he was, I sorta forced myself to listen to their entire discography and learn how to play some of their songs on piano to potentially play in front of him. I was down BAD for this boy, so much to the point that I actually started listening to twenty one pilots and entered a new phase. Another example was in 6th grade, I liked a boy (I don't remember his name) who mentioned once about liking girls who were hairless. And me, as a Mexican-American girl who has her dads body hair, shaved my whole body the next day just in case he'd notice and maybe also start liking me. Basically I have a history of changing something about myself to make a person like me. And that's why I say this crush feels different, because I don't want to do that this time. 

As much as I like this guy, I don't want to change anything about myself for him to feel something towards me. But somehow, that feels harder than to alter myself a bit, I think that's why it feels so different. I'm not approaching this like all the other crushes I've had, I want him to actually like me for me. I am not willing to go through all the motions of looking at myself and decide how I should present myself in order to be like-able for one person. It's so easy to lie about the things I like just so they can align with what my crush likes, forcing myself be interested in something that I could care less of a shit about is so easy but so isolating. Which is why my current crush feels so scary and feverish at the same time. Sure, making myself look nicer when I know I'll see him is one thing, but I don't want to make any modifications on my personality or being because as crazy as I might sound, I think he'll like me for how I am. I know I sound delusional as fuck, but I am so ready for a relationship with this man, even if it's just platonic.