entry #4, 4/30/2024 10:13PM

hello.

i went to therapy today and it was alright. :) i'm feeling okay right now. watched some cartoons, ate some pasta, drew some things. 

i was thinking earlier today about a lot of things but there was one thing i kept coming back to and pondering on: apologizing & forgiveness.

there are two people i'd like to apologize to and they're my mom and my ex. yes, they did hurt me badly, but i am not a great person either. i've said some things that i now regret and thought some things that i also now regret, so i'm going to write an apology letter to them.

 first, my ex.

hi again, nate. it's been a while since we've spoken to each other, breakup anniversary is next month. i've had a lot of time to think about what i've done and i want to actually apologize for it. i'm sorry for not reaching out and letting my jealousy fester, i truly believed i could get past it on my own because that's what i've done my whole life. it wasn't your fault. i'd never experienced a relationship like ours so i didn't know how to handle it. i'm not excusing my actions, i'm only saying i shouldn't have even instigated our relationship without properly thinking it over. 

it just felt good that someone liked me in that way, wanted to know who i was, wanted to be around me. i got caught up in feeling good that i didn't want anything to ruin it, so i shoved all my bad feelings down. that's why i wouldn't speak to you for periods of time every so often. i was trying to lock away all the bad so i could only feel good but people gotta feel bad sometimes. people gotta reach out and shit. it's still difficult for me to do that, but i'm hoping to learn to do it soon.

i'm not looking for forgiveness, i'm not looking for a response, i don't want you to take me back. i just need to apologize so i can let you go for real this time. i'm sorry for acting the way i did, it was real shitty and i could've handled the situation a lot better. i'm sorry for not being a great boyfriend, i don't know how relationships work. again, not excusing my actions, they were shitty. 

i'm sorry for reacting the way i did that night, i was pmsing. AGAIN, not excusing my shitty actions, but i should've waited until my period was over with to talk to you about my feelings so my emotions wouldn't have gotten the better of me. i'm sorry for not being there for you when you needed me. i'm sorry i disappointed you. i really truly hope you're doing well.

you made me happy, you made me feel good. it was good to experience what we had and i'm a moron for fumbling a bad bitch like you (trying to lighten the mood). i want to say thank you for giving me the opportunity to be with you, even if the time was short, it was the happiest time of my life. i truly felt seen, heard, special. you were a wonderful partner, so thank you. i wish you the best in any future endeavors and relationships you pursue. that's all i gotta say for now, so i'll see you never (probably).

i want to think more about what i'd say to my mom if i ever wrote her an apology letter, so that will be my next blog (if i'm not having an episode before then). that's all for now.