Day 118...Nevermind...

For once, I don't relate to Hamlet but I relate to Othello, that's my roundabout way of saying... I got cheated on. Except Othello didn't even get cheated on, it was in his head, I did, so I have it worse. It certainly feels terrible. 

• Small vent
• Career guidance 
• Started reading blue flag, found out I'm a blue...
• Next book(s)! New films! 
• Til I die (another small vent, I'm sorry guys)
• Song instead of quote this time

Uggghhhhhhhhhhgghhhhh. I feel like human waste. I felt a lot worse when it actually happened but im coping well as long as I don't think about it too hard.  You watch the movies and see people get cheated on, you read Hamlet and a character gets cheated on (kinda, he's dead but he feels his wife cheated on him to emphasize how close her remarriage was to his funeral) but it stings like hell. I kinda wish I could still view her in a sympathetic light but she lied to my face and cheated on me! I feel kinda pathetic since it's only been two weeks but at the very beginning of the relationship, the day it became official, we promised each other we'd remain faithful. I didn't wanna tell anyone tbh, I don't know why, I was a little embarrassed, like imagine telling someone you got cheated on and then comparing yourself to Othello! Couldn't be me! Okay but it's cool, my lawyer cousin always says we cap on. Not like lie but like move on. Also, like she's not a terrible person, my gf. We're both still young yk and she's told me before that she's been treated really poorly before in all her previous relationships so, maybe the cheating could be a result of her poor treatment. I tried my damndest though, I wanted to make her feel special and for a brief period of time, I did! I'm glad about that at the very least. What are you gonna do? I guess we could look to greener pastures!

I did get career guidance which was reassuring. My mom set me up with this woman she knows from work and she's my counselor. Like actually MY counselor. Like I'm her client, not like I tell my mom "mother, please tell my counselor X and Y..." no, I speak to her directly, I feel so grown! Like, I can talk to her whenever I want to and it's confidential too. As long as I don't say, "I'm going to kill mr so and so" or something like that, you know the drill, doctor-patient confidentiality. So I was driving home with my mom and she knew nothing of what we spoke of. Except my counselor told my mom that I'd be a good fit for something in linguistics but that's it. Also, my mom thought she got linguistics confused for logistics. Yeah, totally, I totally don't want to major in English, I never read, I hate Shakespeare. What the hell is a Hamlet? I only know of transportation of goods! Logistics doesn't sound bad but I've always wanted to go more into marketing, it just seemed more interesting, I even picked up a book on marketing and sometimes I like to page through that, genuinely interesting stuff but not as interesting as literature! How do i tell my parents this...it's so over...I'm cooked, I won't even be happy in university. If I'm going to be studying something for the next four years, I better enjoy it.

Okay, so I asked for manga recommendations and I got so many, thank you guys, I'll be thoroughly entertained during these exam times, they start next week but IM CRAVING MANGA NOW! I wanted to read Blue Flag because it was recommended to me during last year's exams if I remember correctly and it's been in my manga list for so long but no no no, I had to do it fair and square. Chat, I'm not kidding, I put all the manga that was recommended to me on a wheel and it landed on Blue Flag so I started reading that and I read the first volume. I have some thoughts. It's good but also it's so funny, the last time I laughed at a manga as hard as I did was probably KICK THE BABY in Fire Punch. Blue Flag is so funny, I can't. Okay, so the first volume employs one of my favorite tropes which is, someone coaching someone on how to bag their friend. That's essentially what happened, this dude, Ichinose helps this girl, Kuze to get with his friend named Touma. It's really relatable in some aspects too. Like I haven't been in this situation myself but just like...improving one's self in order to...get a romantic partner...sounds familiar, doesn't it? There's a really cute scene where they do speech exercises and like tongue exercises. Those actually help by the way, if you struggle to speak clearly, do tongue stretches. Also, it's relatable in more ways than one like Touma is stated to like older women. LITERALLY ME?????? ME????? HES ME????? I think it has a beautiful art style too. That's about it for now though. I'll read more, maybe tonight.

I finished Yellowface, wrote a bulletin on it. Good book, 7/10 oh wait, I don't give ratings, pretend I didn't say that. What now??? I started reading Miyamoto Musashi's 5 Rings of Power. I have a myriad of reasons as to why I started reading this book. First of all. To flex on Vagabond fans that I actually read it, I don't know why I'm so hostile, Vagabond fans are really chill from the ones I've encountered. Second, I don't know, I just thought I'd be able to get something good out of it. You can get good things out of almost any book, I believe but I read so many classics and they're all miserable, this'll be inspirational, I think. There's definitely some good stuff in there. A lot of good advice. I didn't think I'd carry so much of it with me butttttt I did. I'm still reading, I'm on the second scroll. As for films, I watched Virgin Suicides. That movie is so similar to Hamlet. I'm so embarrassed, I missed the chance to flex on my class during English because I was thinking about the similarities between the two. Mostly Ophelia stuff, it really feels like Ophelia's family in some regards, Ophelia's mother isn't shown and she doesn't have sisters but like they're compared to flowers and trees and especially the third act is very Ophelia coded. The dad is also just like Ophelia's dad, Polonius. Polonius is funny because he's a walking contradiction. I just read about him talking about how he needs to be brief and then he discussed at length how much he respects it when someone is brief and doesn't beat around the bush. The funnier thing is, he was meant to give Claudius and Gertrude the reason why their son is mad, they were worried and he's yapping about how he needs to be brief. I love Polonius, I laugh every time.

Alright, fellas! Thug it out for a little longer, just one more vent, I promise! You read the title and thought "not the fucking Beach Boys song again!!!!!!" I know how you feel, actually I don't, I listen to Til I Die so often and it doesn't get old, its always so sad. Like Brian Wilson really gets that feeling of hopelessness. I feel that way these days. I've been severely miserable and I always worry that this is gonna be how it is until I die. Will I ever be happy again? I mean like truly happy, again. Last year, my miserable moments were just wet patches in a dry road but now it feels like those are the happy moments, my moments of joy are mere puddles which I splash in for a brief moment before returning to the mundanity of life. The song also deals with that feeling of being so out of control of your own life. It's MY life, I want to be at the wheel. I'm a mere sailor on my own fucking ship, everyone else has their hands around the helm, everyone else who is going to jump ship when it goes the wrong way but I go down with the ship, this is my life until I die. Maybe that's why I've been loving my rewatch of Sopranos s1. I didn't feel anything for Tony when I first saw it but now I just feel bad for him, I relate to him on some level. I disagree with him politically and Tony does some genuinely rotten things but like some aspects of him just cut deep. There's the episode where his friend, Pussy goes missing, there's that part where Chrissy is feeling upset and he's so desperate to find someone who feels the same way and he starts asking him questions from therapy, there's that line in the first episode about how he feels like he came in at the end, the best is over. In the grand scheme of the world, I don't believe this but in my life, sometimes I feel this way, the best is over. 

I don't have a quote prepared today, whoops...umm, do you guys wanna hear my breakup song? I've had it on repeat. It's Backseat Girl by Jane Remover. It's just sooooo, wow! It feels really raw and deep tbh. I love Jane Remover. Her voice just gets the emotion across. It's also such an honest song, I don't wanna compare my ex girlfriend to the narrator in this song because it's kind of describing someone manipulative and she wasn't that. I think she may not have been ready for a new relationship with me or something, she cheated on me with one of her exes. I'm listening to the song rn, damn, it makes me emotional. It's always made me emotional though. I can't believe Jane Remover made Dariacore, can you guys believe it?? She made Dariacore and then this???

Lemme put a the link here

Anyway, thanks for reading this, I'll get better, maybe, I hope! I just don't feel very good right now but I promise the next blog won't be so yk, edgy. Good night, Spacehey, Til I Die? More like Til I next write! Thank you for reading.