vent (again)

i think i am incapable of love, or maybe i dont recognize that i do. i feel like i am dead inside, like a robot. I sometimes feel full of life and wonder and joy, but rn i feel just empty, like i usually am. people think im cold and they can probably sense a sort of "disunion" from me. 
I dont want anyone to interfere with my business and i wont interfere with theirs. i lived with that mindset, but normal humans like associating and infringing upon another. even when it cause them harm I do not understand. When I say love I meant this kind of love. why bother? just don't associate with them.

but its kinda weird that i feel "human" mostly just inside my head or imagination. I want to be love but also not, because humanity is rotten! (sorry) I have minimal social contacts in my life, but i want to be totally separated from the world, and in which i can interact with it and not get mudded down, like the internet! But that's also scary in a way? Its okay if i am with some people i choose to, but all of us are humans, and humans make mistakes. intentionally or unintentionally. 

have i ever been loved by my parents? I scarcely remember anything loving or positive from them. my father was absent and my mom put me in tutor school and screams at me. made me cry everyday when i was little. and now I owe them? I owe them nothing except a long slow cruel decay at a nursing home. I hate myself for caring about them, my mother and grandmother are utterly selfish and horrible people and there is no redemption for the likes of them. they should be rotting in the deepest depths of hell. they are the reason i am utterly broken and lost, internet says to not put blame on parents, but all the blame is on them. they raised me and this is the result.