Beyond

You ever feel like all anyone is doing is lookin’ down on you? I stare out at the pavement as the lines blur beneath me, then behind me, just to be in front again. You ever know what it’s like to look at others and feel inferior? I hold onto the door tight, willing myself not to fly out, wondering why not. I wonder if they get it, if they feel how I feel when I look at them. If they feel how I feel when they don’t talk and I can’t shut up. If they feel how I feel when I clam up and they don’t bother opening me again. 

I’m looking out Beyond this. Beyond us is a long, wide road that’ll never end. These interstate roads lead into something greater. Canada maybe, or Mexico. Or just plain Tallahassee. These interstate roads lead somewhere, but I’m starin’ out and see nothing but where I’m going. Beyond these roads is where I’m going, but that ain’t beyond nothin’. 

I turn my head and meet the Sun, glaring down from the sky. It’s painted by highway billboards. It’s painted by clouds. And it’s still glaring at me from the sky. I want to be the Sun, I want to glare down and I want to be covered when my glow gets too dim. I want to die in space and take everything with me. 

I turn my head and meet my driver, her cold face ever-so warm in the glow. Her cold face looks out at the road, can’t venture out like mine, as I stare out at her. My mother, my momma, my mommy. I wonder what she thinks I’m thinking, if she knows I can think. I wonder if she can; if she knows I plan on dying in space and taking it all with me. I wonder if she knows that I can’t shine bright enough to die. 

There's some music playing, ain’t nothing worth listening to. I picked it, but it ain’t me. It ain’t what I need right now, right now starting at everything. I need something raw, someone screaming or yellin’ over to me. I need something real, I need something that reminds me there are thousands, if not millions, of stars out there ready to die and take it all with them. I look over to the Sun and see it hiding again, I feel how cold it makes me for that long second. 

You ever wonder why it is? Why it is that the Sun comes and goes? Why it is that the moon shines brighter than my eyes? Why it is that I can’t find my way in the light? I can't find my heart where I’m sitting, something’s blocking my view. I wonder if it's there, and I question why it is.

My eyes are lidded but I’m far from tired. My soul’s burning, trying to die. I can’t find my heart where I’m sitting, but I won’t die without it. I need it to pass on, like the Egyptians. I need it, I think; I need it because a star needs it, I think; I need it because it should be right there. My heart can’t be found and my mothers talkin’ to me. 

From where I’m sitting it hurts my neck to see her. From where I’m sitting I see her smiling, I see her thinking about me. From where I’m sitting I can see my heart as she draws it out of hiding. That second is over and the Sun makes me warm again. I look out to see Beyond me, Beyond this, Beyond where I’m heading. 

You ever feel something?