diary #9

• "Love yourself first and everything else falls into line." — Lucille Ball

today was really difficult and a bit of a rollercoaster

last night i had a super big freak out and i took a bit too many sleeping tablets, i ended up falling asleep quickly for 5 hours before being sick for a while . im okay now but it was an experience to say the least. i also weirdly had one of the funniest dreams in a long time so it wasn't aaaall bad.

i also saw a doctor today and got represcribed anti depressants and i need to see a therapist again so hopefully it's up from here chen nation!

i think im still struggling to come to terms with the fact that my brain works differently and there's nothing i can do about it. i'll always be too sensitive, ill always get too attached and ill always be hurt so much more. there's nothing i can change about it. people tell me that being ND isn't bad and it's just a different way my brain works and how 'it's beautiful' and 'there is no normal' but in a world where there is stigma and hate how can i be okay with it? i hate the fact it will always affect me and my friendships and i hate that socialising is such a massive effort when it's second nature for other people. why do i have to prepare and study and overthink socialising when it should just come naturally to me? it's ever so stressful and i feel like my friends don't get how much it hurts and affects me. i can't stand feeling like an alien and an outsider with groups of people and not knowing certain jokes or social cues it's just so so so so tough. i hate the people that made me this way.

fuck the people who did this to me

anyways, apart from the sleeping pill thing today was slightly more tolerable and that counts as a good day in my books. it is the start to a new week so i really hope it's okay and i don't do anything stupid again. i will focus more on my story and character because he makes me feel okay

-peace, love and trying to fit in 💜