titled 1 or 2 4/28/2024

location: with pet

writing with a special interest present is new. this is fun though. i just gave him a bracelet. it was funny to do the 1 or 2 thing. i felt like my brother, forgot how much i act like him. we played chess and he won. i wasnt mad at losing but i didn't like him trying to dumb it down for me. not really dislike, just something i would say fuk off for. so not so bad. we're gonna see a movie later. i have exams next week. i have actual work i should be doing right now. but i wanna write because i havent done that in forever. i don't know if i like him but i'm pretty sure i don't dislike him at least. in this moment, i do prefer his company more than a lot others. he can be quiet. p being over this weekend was fine but i wonder why i felt like i actually hated her. i knew it was irrational but i couldn't help the feeling. i didn't know why she jus kept going. i just wanted to scream at her to just stop. but she wasn't doing anything wrong. she was just there and making her presence louder than i wanted it to be. i hated her looking at me and i don't remember the last time i felt that level of disgust that i felt when she put her head on my shoulder and tried to look at my phone. these are all normal things, things i do too, but it was just too much. i wonder if it would have been better if i yelled. if we hadn't smoked, i think i would've. i do understand that how i felt really had nothing to do with her and im glad i didn't yell. i invited her to spend time with me. imagine if i got mad at her for spending time with me. thats stupid. so whatever. i should probably get a therapist because i do need to talk through those emotions instead of just having to swallow it down. whatever. besides that, i'm doing alright i think. probably gonna have to go to ldoc frat tomorrow. i'm sure that'll be funny enough. i can't believe how tragic this entire weekend was. but i suppose it wasn't too bad. listening to clean up anthem rn, it's funny how music that made me feel something when i was a kid still has the same effect, even when i know and have experienced so much more. i wonder if the way i feel emotions is right. i suppose there is no right or wrong way but i wonder if i have it all characterized wrong. idk. jus got issues i suppose. summer almost here, life gon keep life'ing. thats all im sure of. lemme know how it goes, okay?