20:18 pm hm

everything is always up or either down, nothing is just, balanced 

sometimes it feels like i have some control, but sometimes i feel like theres really nothing i can do. I dont like when i remember. It hits like bricks, and i dont know for how long ill have to have my heart sink all the way to my feet like this. It feels like itll never go away, ill never just not care, itll just distance itself from me, life will just throw new situations at me, new people, new memories too. You dont just forget? Right now, im only worried about failing science.

It would be so much easier if my heart wouldnt always feel like this. But it does, and i just have to keep trying even if it feels like a dead end sometimes. I just want some affection, maybe if my dad asked me how my day at school was, or if my mom listened and turned off her phone when i tried to tell her my results. I wish my sister spoke to me a little gently, just for this month. Small things like that would make it a little easier. But that wont happen, ill have to just be strong, just listen to them sometimes or just compromise for them. I dont mind, i just wish i had that strength to do it even with this heart. I dont know why i feel like this for no reason, so negative. Would it really cost much for them, for anyone, to just notice when i go to my room alone? if only it wasnt so hard to go up to someone. Sometimes i have control. And other nights, i have a blanket