random thoughts

I’m not sure why exactly im posting this—mainly because im procrastinating on my work as well as a slight feeling of dread overcoming my senses all of a sudden. But nonetheless.

Has anyone else felt a little different ever since 2020? Of course you have. A global pandemic is no laughing matter. I believe it has left many scarred (forgive me for being over dramatic) for lack of a better word.

 I, personally, quite enjoyed the lockdown. Mainly due to the fact that I didn’t have to walk into school and face my bullies. But I believe it also left an adverse effect on me. In a sense that it may have increased my tendency to isolate myself from others. I haven’t really improved upon this though—With the majority of my primary school friends leaving me—But I believe I may be getting slightly better. During the lockdown, whenever I left the house with my family, I used to have an extreme fear of being seen in public. Or, rather, judged by others.

I remember it so viscerally. I was standing in line with my mom, who was getting a hot chocolate for us (despite my protests) and I remember an old man—perhaps 70-80 years old—Simply glancing at me briefly. That, for some reason, sent me into a near panic attack. This isn’t the first time I was like this. My fear of public places seems to have stemmed from a young age. 

Thankfully, now, I am getting at least a little better. Tomorrow, my friends have invited me to go to a shopping center to celebrate my her birthday. This is quite a monumental event to me, as I haven’t been invited anywhere in like….over 5 years? I am progressing, I think. I hope so atleast. Blogging is also a big step for me. Maybe one day I will be better.