04.25.24

I didn't sleep much last night. Went to sleep at around 2am, but couldn't quite fall asleep for some time. Sometime later, i woke up again, then went back to sleep. My alarm went off at 6:20am, and i got up sometime around 7.

Last time i went to school, i didnt have a good time. A couldnt hang out with me at much, i was tired and frustrated. I cried a bit in the morning, as i usually do-- then marked it on my Chronicles list. By the time the day was over, i asked to leave class two minutes early. I left, and went straight for the 3k building second floor bathroom. I saw my old American History teacher on the way there; i never went to his class much, but he is young and complimented my artwork before, and never got mad at me for skipping or failing. Lately ive been fantasizing about passing him in the hallways again, clearly upset, and him taking notice; asking me if im alright, and offering to talk to me in his classroom after class. Its not a sexual thing, i just really want to be noticed. Pitied. 

After i passed him, i went to the bathroom and cried. It was a pretty good one, and i didnt really mess up my makeup too much. After i calmed down remotely, i left the building and walked towards the exit. I was still clearly upset, im sure it was obvious i had cried, if not that-- then my absolute resting bitch face would translate how i wasnt in a good mood. Nevertheless though, two boys passed me, and one decided it would be a good idea to say "youre hot" to me as i passed. I didnt look at them, and it was pretty lame, but it still upset me all over again. And i held my face and tried not to sob more as i walked back inside. 

Today was better, i didnt cry in the morning, and i didnt cry afterschool-- even though i really expected myself too. So much for the getting noticed fantasy. A hung out with me during lunch, and we talked about boys. She asked if we would still hang out over the summer, and i said yes. We talked about potential plans and things to do over the summer-- which im now wiser than to get my hopes up over. 

I went to the grocery store afterschool, and got a happy birthday card for my dad. Its his birthday today. But i didnt give it to him. Im not really good with gift giving, and even though i didnt get  him a gift at all, and rather did the absolute bare minimum-- thanks and appreciations directed towards me is embarrassing. Thats just not something i can do. We ate cake, and then it was time for presents; i dont know what they got for him though, since i passed out on the couch as soon as i finished my slice. Told you i was tired. I woke up at around 9pm or so, feeling like absolute sweaty shit from falling asleep on a leather couch. Feel like ive downed a bottle of hot oil. Its 12 right now, and even though i want to go to sleep, ill probably spend another two or so hours scavenging ao3 or fanaticizing about my favorite male characters. Im a cold hearted misanderist until it comes to responsible ex-iraqi soldiers, and less than thrilled potion professors. 

Goodnight, absolutely no one. Logging off.