i need to go to hell

505 like the arctic monkeys song tuesday or thursday

i knew myself well enough to know that i’d end up like this: stressed, immensely depressed and feeling stuck, as if i was held in a box against my will, bored out of my damn mind.

i did talk to him, we made up and have been going on several outings and spending a good, nice time—i love it, it’s all i was missing. he knows me, the real me, the true me who’s hateful and too stuck on her thoughts, the me that’s so troubled only this ghost blog knows about, and he stands by my side and smiles at me and corrects waiters when they get my name wrong. i had really missed him, and he sparked an even bigger problem.

i knew getting in touch with my—quite literally—other half, would make my relationship get into deep, deep problems. i realized how boring she was, and more so, everything i felt came back to an utter, disgusting indifference. she’s nothing, a pretty girl who is really nice and deserves someone extremely better than me that is also not as half as bright. i think too highly of myself, but i also think that it’s not subjective to say that there are people in this world that are more nuanced than others—i wished i wasn’t so sick, so i could be one of them. maybe then i would be a good fit for her.

so, maybe we’ll break up? again? i think i’ll just tell her that i’m very depressed, and show her the ugly side of me and see what sticks, i don’t really care if she’s out of my life now, so that’s something.

gods, how horrible of a person i am.