It just sucks

Date: 25 april 2024 

I've been feeling kinda down lately, I think for multiple reasons. My brother drinking, my friends making me feel lonely as fuck, my mom stressing me abt turning 18 soon and just having no clue wtf I'm doing. A month ago I would've thought "meh I'll figure it out", but now for some reason it feels like everything matters so much. Every decision I make will impact my future, it stresses me thinking abt it. I'm okay though, I'm not completely broken or anything. Just going thru a rough patch I guess. Waking up at 07:00 following my morning routine like I'm on autopilot, going to school feeling numb, being at school surrounded by classmates and friends but feeling lonely as hell. I don't think my school friends understand me in the slightest, but it's all I got. Getting home and hearing my brother sound like he's fucking dying, sucks hearing him groan like that. Everything becomes such a big deal with him. I make coffee and then I see him pissed as hell cs I didn't make for him too, I didn't know he wanted. I ask him to empty the dishwasher and he gets real uptight abt it, but if I empty it he goes, "can u stop being so loud". Sorry for emptying the dishwasher that you were supposed to empty for you? I guess. Him telling me to be quiet is crazy coming from him, he slams shit and sounds like he has an asthma attack 24/7. He's getting on my nerves more and more. Especially since he won't do anything to fix his alcohol problem, I'm not even sure if he realizes that he has a problem. Our parents have tried to get him to rehab and shit but there's only so much u can do for an alcoholic, the rest is up to them. I sometimes try to think of a time in my life that he was sober, but I can't really thing of anything. I have no idea what kind of person he would be if he didn't drink, I would like to think that he would be nicer, more helpful and less noisy. Idk if that would be the case however and Idk if I'll ever find out. I guess that is all, don't got much else to say. I rant to much. 

- Elliot