weird thing. (Long entry)

a weird thing happened to me just a few moments ago in class. It was so odd. Very odd. I even doubt myself in my recollection, even though it was so vivid.

I was sitting in class studying. That class I have is out of control to say the least. Completely fucking insane. The teacher doesn’t care at all, and I don’t blame him—he’s a young college student I believe. Even I wouldn’t dare to mind a class such as mine.

That boy. I fucking despise him. I fucking hate him. He’s loud. He’s stupid. He’s obnoxious. He’s everything wrong with this generation of boys, for lack of a better example. 

Anyways, he stands up—it is already loud enough and I am already aggregated. I had this odd inclination for committing acts of violence a few moments prior. It was weird. Anyways, I’m getting sidetracked again. He stands up, walks over to the lockers and SLAM. The loudest sound I have ever heard. 

Then, the weird thing happened. My ears felt like they were bleeding, in a sense. I began panicking for no reason, buckling down on to the desk and covering my head whilst breathing heavily. My heart was throbbing. My head was throbbing. I felt so agitated and upset beyond words, so I won’t go into detail about them because they will only prove to be a hinderance to me and to you. I felt like sobbing. Sobbing. Over a fucking slam of a locker. Aren’t I pathetic?

Every sound afterward seemed to provoke me. Hell, even as I write this, the whispers of girls in the bathroom make me upset. The shouts of boys playing football. The rustle of a bag opening. It annoys me. It makes me want to cry. I feel like crying, but the tears won’t come out. They just don’t anymore.  Why? Why won’t they come out?

I feel so disconnected from everyone. I feel so alien, even to my family, I am an alien—A stranger in familiar flesh. Is that not weird? Is that not atleast concerning??? Am I overreacting? I wish someone could answer me. I’m too scared to ask anyone, to speak my troubles, I fear their pestering. Their invalidation scares me. My bones may be strong, but my mind is brittle. Snapping at the slightest problem. I sound so fucking edgy right now but this is how I feel. I promise I am not doing this out of a desire for attention—rather a need to vent. Is this not what the internet is about? I can tell anything here. Maybe a little bitch will pester me here, but asides from that, I am free to speak here…I hope that doesn’t come off as weird. God.

This is the first time this happened to me…well, usually I am disturbed my loud sounds. I even panic to the sounds of loud music. But to this extent? Never. 

I’m not sure what the fuck is my issue. I wanna go home. It’s so cold here. I should get out of the bathroom. Maybe. fuck school.