Daily Life #26: OCD Talk

25 April 2024 (2:33 AM - 3:14 AM)

    I had my first ever (online) therapy session today. We only breached the topic of me having OCD (but I told them I still wanted to talk about autism and ADHD).

    The conversation was the same as any other where I detail what I do and basically ask if that would be considered OCD. The therapist straight-up said it was, though it did not feel as validating as I thought it would. I think I'm searching for something more official like when you get a diagnosis and they ask you those questions and stuff to "prove" you have it according to their DSM-5 standards and whatnot.

    What were the characteristics that led them to this conclusion? The word that stood out to me was "ritual". Was that the defining factor? Isn't there more to it? Does it just not apply to me?

    Anyway, the therapist was interested in how I felt about it. I don't think I did a stellar job in expressing that overall I do not really care(?).

    Yes, it invades my life in every aspect and day-to-day living. Yes, I feel shame and embarrassment when I "do it" in front of people, so I'd much rather be alone when I'm performing. Yes, it takes up time. Yes, it has interrupted someone else and/or caused tension with another.

    But, this is all I've known my entire life. This is how I have lived and continue to live. I have not tasted life without it, so I have no reference without it, so I do not covet a life without it. I view it as something I am just predisposed with -- that is to say, it is a part of me. To view it as malignant, that it should be removed, to reject this "thing" that is a part of myself feels a bit unholy: "Am I still myself without it?" Kind of like how I'm afraid that taking medication (like mood stabilizers) will take away what makes me "me". Should I not accept how I am born? Am I ill? And, therefore, should I be cured? The session did feel like the therapist was teetering around these concepts (negative view on OCD).

    Is it not sufficient or good or right to just live with it? It's not destroying me physically (not anymore), though I may be unaware of emotional and mental stresses it consistently causes (my gray hairs???).

    I guess it's good, then, to transition into this: No one has told me before that it was bad or life shouldn't be like that, so I've lived and felt neutral about it since. How do you know that something should be treated if no one tells you? Consequently, I don't have strong feelings about having OCD. I don't really know how to feel about it.

    I just want to know if I have OCD and if I can say I have OCD as kind of a fallback/logical reasoning for behaviours that seem natural/beyond my control but I know are odd to the neurotypical/allistic person.

//

    At the end of the session, the therapist tasked me with thinking about what I feel when I'm doing my rituals (I've always been ashamed to call them as such, but there is no better word to describe them). I have no feelings at all. No joy, no sadness (sometimes frustration when I realize I'm stuck in a repetitive counting loop -- "Again"). Just the absence of emotion and thought and only the presence of duty and business with having to count my numbers and engage in repetitive actions (I suppose it's not wrong to say it is like I'm short-circuiting when I have to repeat).

Thank you for reading.