Entry 7

i’m so sick of this feeling of self hatred when it comes to women i can’t seem to shake it. i wanted her to love me but i couldn’t even love her the right way, part of me wants to b selfish and say “you couldn’t wait on me” but that’s not me. i never wanted to leave her not even in the slightest i’m attached to her she’s the reason i get up in the morning i didn’t want it all to b over but i HAD to. i had to swallow my pride and give up the thing i love most for their own benefit everything i do is for her. she’ll understand later down the line when she finds someone better then ill ever be. i truly hate saying that lol bc i wanted her to only think about me and be with only me forever but sadly tht can not happen she won’t wait for me all she’ll do is believe in me from the sidelines and then some other guy is gonna swoop under her and take her into his life. but that’s just how the bull shi go you can’t change it, i wanna do is text her and see how she’s doing. i don’t wanna b alone i truly hate this feeling but i must stay strong bc if i don’t she’ll fall back into that hole that is ME. 

      i am a cancer to her all i did was hurt her over and over and over again i was better of have not met her at all. i wish i wouldn’t have ever looked her way she would’ve been happy without me i know that for a fact i ruined her life and i hate myself for it. that’s what sucks about all this i ruined a sweet girls life bc of my ignorance i am a terrible person and need to be dealt with. 

this id my punishment, my karma, i deserve every bit of this for the things i have done. idk when ill b bck but for now im going to just drift for a while