# 13; * matrix

4/19/2024

i don't think the places i'll go after this one will satisfy me as much as they should. once i got a taste of what it could be like i knew there would never be any going back. what am i going to do beyond that? will i end up mirroring you again and scream it all at people in desperate+oftentimes futile attempts @ being understood? people listened to you in all the wrong ways but no one listens to me unless i show them. its so fucking frustrating having to dumb it downfor people. to constantly feel the need to explain myself. im honestly not as prepared to leave as i thought i was — it's not nearly as bad as the first time but its still just enough to ache . youve stuck with me for forever & i'm still constantly terrified of losing you in the most trivial nd depressing ways. no ones gonna remember any of this someday but maybe ive got a little more time than i think. picking thru and dusting off things that once felt like forevers (i still wonder if you can hear my occasional thoughts, or if you'd ever come looking though its something i could easily live without). thru it all really not much i love has been lost. a few very important things but for the most part i realize ive been lost the whole time. cynical syllables fresh off the tongue in the minds of my most opportune times. the only mark im ever able to leave is (you). thats why if i left graffiti on that rusted bridge on the way into town everyone would know it was me before i had the chance to slip away forever. i wonder if any of the stones ive skipped in all the ponds and lakes and oceans ive been to in the world have ever washed back ashore since then. so addicted to all this ive never seen myself. i think youre pretty but im not equipped to tell you— thankfully im about to lose you and you havent seemed to catch on (:

xoqr