goodnight <3

Date: 22 april 2024 

I befriended a girl thru spacehey and we added each other on discord, this was around half a year ago. We started talking on the regular and it was okay the first couple of weeks. Then I started to notice how different we were, different sense of humor, different music taste, movie taste, food taste, different opinions on a variety of topics and what I realized was that we had almost nothing in common. We kept talking though cs what we did have in common was that we had each other to talk to, and besides it was much easier talking to someone on the internet about serious problems you have than talking to someone in real life. I messaged her some times and she messaged me most of the times, though we didn't have much in common we could still talk about stuff and watch movies together thru discord. 

We kept doing that for a couple of months and she talked a lot about her problems, and I tried my best to help her in any way I could. At this point we talked consistently everyday for at least 2 hours. We had sent videos and pictures to each other, played games together, watched movies and Youtube vids together. We taught each other our languages, and on Christmas I even sent her a steam game as a gift. 

After this it all went down hill, I'm not sure what changed, maybe it was me maybe it was her. I felt as if her problems were getting bigger than I could handle. I knew she had a lot of issues but it was still not something that was brought up every time we talked before, but now, now it felt as if everyday she was in a state of constant misery. I dreaded seeing a notification from her bcs I knew what it entailed. I started making excuses for why I couldn't talk to her and sometimes put my status on discord as invisible. The severity of some of her problems stressed me to the point I couldn't sleep and I couldn't focus. She told me when she was shaking, crying, hiding, worrying and worst of all self-harming. I remember one specific night when I was already stressed and going to start getting ready for bed and she begged me not to leave her, so I couldn't. This anxiety surrounding her built up and eventually I had to do something, so I did. 

After much contemplation I ended up sending a long message on discord explaining how I care for her but I can't be her psychiatrist and I am crumbling bcs of it. She was sorry and apologized, I felt a little bit scared sending it but I knew I had to. After that I thought now that I have set that boundary I can feel as if I stood up for myself and prevented conflict from happening later on. 

Now that we had no common interests and no problems and deep conversations being discussed, we had nothing. We didn't talk as much and when we did it didn't feel as it used to. She kept talking about her problems only now she didn't bring up any self-harm and sometimes encouraged me to also talk abt my problems, but the thing is I didn't have any serious problems that I wanted to talk about, I think she wanted it to be a fair trade of problems between us but it wasn't. And I think even if there was something that I could have talked abt I didn't feel as if she could help me with it, not practically or mentally. I feel like an asshole saying this but I felt as if she could not give something that I didn't already have. I was tired of giving her things, my time, my compassion, my friendship, my advice and sacrificing my sleep for her. I didn't want or crave any of those things from her really. I still cared for her, otherwise it wouldn't have been a hard situation. I felt as if I was leading her on, making her think we had this deep bond and that I wanted nothing else but talk to her all day, nothing else but meet up with her in real life. I pretended to be excited for so much stuff that I would never honestly be excited for. Our friendship started because I could actually share my honesty with someone, now I was lying to keep a friendship I wasn't sure I wanted. 

Finally it all came crumbling down one night. We had been talking for some hour or so about an issue of hers, I did what I usually do, listen, respond short and confirming, and let her keep talking. This was until I noticed she sounded irritated, the stress and anxiety I had tried to keep contained was slowly coming to the forefront. I tried to de-escalate the situation by asking if I did anything wrong and trying to make her understand me. She kept piling on my stress and that was when it all came crashing down. I broke down in tears in front of my computer couldn't type anymore to her, I watched as she panicked on discord trying to get me to respond, she felt bad and said she was sorry for putting her problems on me again. She said she promises to never bring up any problem she ever has again, this made me cry even more. You might read that and think she was sarcastic, but I am sure she was serious. I couldn't be the person for her to lean on though she was even willing to never speak of her problems to keep me. What kind of relationship is it where a person is never allowed to talk about their problem to another? That wouldn't be fair. I didn't want that for her but I also knew I had tried setting boundaries before that didn't work. So what was the solution? I saw her frantically type, I had nothing to answer with, it felt like I was trapped in my 13 year old mind again. My 13 year old mind filled to the bring with the feeling of failure. How did I manage to fuck up this badly? She eventually stopped typing and ended with the message "goodnight <3". That was the only thing I new how to respond to, so I also sent "goodnight <3". I never send hearts but I did this time. I then went down to my basement cried, took a shower, cried some more, and then I picked up my phone and blocked her on all social media. 

I don't know and I don't ever want to know how this impacted her. I fear the worst, that me blocking her was her last straw, that I was the one that tipped her over the edge. But it was my choice, and I have to stand by it. I think the best thing for me to do now is learn from my mistakes. I'm taking a break from online relationships and trying to focus on real stuff. That I let this consume so much of my life these months I now regret fully, I assume however that it was in one way or another bound to happen. I can't set boundaries very well, I pretend that I'm someone I'm not way too often, and it always ends up with people hurt, myself included. Maybe I will finally learn this time. At least I can say I tried. I tried so hard to make it work.

Most likely she will never see this post as I have blocked her on here as well but, Eli if you are reading this, I am sorry. I know you told me that I was the person you talked to most out of everyone in your life at one point and it hurts now to think about. You were one of the most important people in my life not long ago and I valued our friendship very highly. I know that you never tried to hurt me and that your intentions were nothing but good. I'm not sure if I ever "forgave" you in our last conversation but it was only because I didn't feel as if I had anything to forgive you for, you didn't do anything wrong. I understand if you hate or despise me now. 

I'm sorry.

- Elliot