Daily Life #24

22 April 2024 (2:33 AM - 3:02 AM)

    Nothing to report, although I wish to share that I never give myself the opportunity to have thoughts or think about things until the end of the night when I've done all that I can and need to sleep.

    At that point, I tell myself that I'll think about it when I lie down before I go to sleep, but I always forget and I just fall asleep. So, I live each day with a type of absent-mindedness or brain fog.  It seems like it should be good for the mental health to spend some time to sit with my thoughts and feelings.

    The physician's team said to contact a psychiatrist to schedule an appointment via phone number. There were no provided hours, which makes me a bit anxious about when to call, but I guess I'll find out.

    I worked a little bit more on job-searching today. That is, I just appended a few things to my résumé and played League of Legends/Maplestory the rest of the night. I'm not actually sure what to do or add since I purely focused on passing my classes and avoiding any type of extracurricular because it was too much for my head to handle (and I am deathly afraid of social interaction that is not just silly banter about hobbies and fun stuff (job fairs, club activities, etc.)). I am afraid, but the work shall be done. I'll do everything incorrectly and inefficiently first if I have to. I'll fail those interviews. I'll make all the mistakes I need to make to grow. u_u I don't want to take too long with job-hunting... I'm worried about taking too long -- would that mean I'm not trying hard enough? I'm doing my best.

    The family is planning to eat at Red Lobster tomorrow. I like that place, but I'm never able to eat as much as I'd like.

    I only really drop the blogging when there is much chaos or activity in my life. A huge reason why I stopped was because of school. I don't really have a wide or elastic mental/social/emotional capacity. I just tend to forget things when I'm busy with another. This means things have calmed down in my life at the moment.

    I want to be consistent at doing something. Something that is mine. I've been more-or-less made to feel ashamed for the amount of time and dedication I spend playing video games, doing the thing I enjoy. So, it's hard for me to feel any joy or satisfaction with any achievement I acquire in video games.

    I want to be proud of something I do or create. I feel as though when I have an income is when I'll be "allowed" to live. Then, I can afford basic necessities and pursue my joys and hobbies.

Thank you for reading.