21/04/20XX - Relief

I'm not sure how I could even explain what happened, I just wish it would be over and done with.

But for the sake of the future, I shall share. At least most of the important parts.

I had what I call, "Nightmare week" 

On some day i cant even remember anymore, i happened to get so scared and sick from everything that had been happening that I posted on instagram. maybe i said things i shouldnt have, and shared things i shouldnt have but i was scared. unfortunatly,  my aunt found out somehow. called my dad and he came to me. he seemed so genuine and it scared me because i had proof. so much of it. then mum came in, called me a liar and that i made this story up and that i connected invisible dots that werent there. i gave her my phone so she could see the over 20 photos i took but she just told me dad and her acted "like friends". then i got ALL of my tech taken, because mum snooped through my messages between me and a person i was talking to about this. she called me a hypocrite when i got mad. 

i was bedridden the next day, mum would repeatedly come into my room saying that i wasnt acting normal and that i needed to apologise. i just tried reading and sleeping the whole day, i had nothing, and i felt like i was repeatedly being stabbed. That night i heard my dad, who didnt want to come into the house the whole day screaming about me and knew if i didnt get myself out of the house i was going to hurt myself so that i could get myself sent somewhere and so that when i got back everyone would be so scared by me no one would mess with me. i wanted out. once i finally had therapy, i got sent to my grandmas place in melbourne. i had my switch, which had youtube on it so i could watch stuff. i felt better, but dread hung over me until i had to go back. raine has a huge wound in their leg from this, he couldnt walk without crutches for that week. 

i went back and even after 4 days they still told me i made up this whole story and just blamed me for everything. and at this point, i didnt even care what he had done. i just wanted things to be normal agian. so i went back to melbourne for the next few days. this time, i had hit rock bottom. i didnt know how to continue. i felt this dread come back, and on the final ride home it screamed in my ear. i thought i was going to die. 

when i finally got home, my anxiety attack hit me and i sobbed in my room. someone opened my door, and it was my dad. he started sobbing on my sholder. he told me none of this was my fault, and that he was so sorry for saying such terrible things. i finally felt, relief. its almost been a week since that, i dont truly know what he did or why he said those things anymore, but i dont care. i dont care at all. at that point, the nightmare week had been declared over. 

mum came into my room and told me all about how it was still my fault, but she gave me my old phone i got 3 years ago from now. it had been factory reset with only spotify and discord on it. it was dumb but i didnt really care, i was jumping around my room exetremely happy beacause i didnt feel like dying anymore. 

by the next day, not so much. but something so strange happened at the end, that it made me just realise how stupid this sitution was. that none of this really mattered at all. i probably should explain what happened, but i feel as if it takes the tone of this entry out. so ill leave it, for now.

now thats its less dark, i can tell whats truly there. something watching over me. its more than one thing, but it started with him. the monster, my brother. then my lonliness, then my fears, my future, everything ive ever been afraid of. it started becoming clearer once i developed chronophobia. but after the nightmare week was over, even though my routine was fucked and I only got my laptop back... I wasn't so scared any more. I finally have a year goal, to get to that school I wanted to go to last year. I'll be able to next year, and hopefully my life will take a turn for the best. and usually my chronophobia would kick in now, because I'm so desperate to be 15 and I don't even know how I'm gonna be able to get through the next 3 1/2 years. but then I realised, I got through the last 4 years. the last 5, 6. I didn't even realise. and usually knowing how much time had passed would send me into a frenzy but, it made me feel safe. for the first time in a long time. I feel... safe.

if you couldnt tell by now, the two people make up me: Raine and Echo, work with eachother... or more or less me. beacause them together literally creates me. Raines the one that takes emotional hits and Echos the one that sorts them out, making sense of them. Raine cant exist without Echos support and Passion, Echo cant exist without Raines psychological thinking and perserverance. right now, Raine is typing this. but in a situation, more or less online thats less serious, Echo takes place. like a lain situation, less dissociating though. so echo will be the one talking for a future post about that stupid situation. 

I should take my leave now, i dont want to talk about this anymore.