thoughts on prom

Last night, I was working another closing shift at the theater... it was also the night of my senior prom. I did not go as you may have figured, but I sort of regret it even though I know it was for the best.

I went last year, my boyfriend's senior prom. It wasn't the worst experience but I associate it heavily with all the lonely feelings I had back then. I didn't feel beautiful, I was wearing a dress I took ages to find to color-match (I don't even like purple) and had to get adjusted so it could fit my giant ribcage. My mom was upset she didn't get to take pictures due to time. I didn't even get to dance, looked tremendously awkward in all the pictures we ended up getting there, and familiarly felt massively out of place. The corsage I made for my boyfriend was wilted within hours, and when I got home, I felt numb.

I guess it ties in with a very familiar thing, where I have these hopeful expectations for what something could be but given the circumstances, couldn't make it happen. But I feel like maybe this year I could have. I could have found a beautiful dress I liked in a nice color like green or pink and my mom could have taken a hundred digital camera photos and I could tell all my girlfriends how beautiful they look in person. I mean it's senior prom... who misses their own senior prom? that's like THE high school experience that everything leads up to. 

I have a lot going on right now, with finishing my AP portfolio and opening week being the week after next, and I know I'm saving money and everything and it was probably the right choice not to go. but I feel like if I had gone maybe a good prom experience would cover up the prom experience where I was fighting for my life