more thoughts and complaints

It feels like the longer I live the more I change and the more I change the more uncomfortable I get with the fact that I do too, in fact, change, and will not just stay stagnant forever. I also think I just...need to sleep more...

I've ordered a MIDI keyboard controller today and am happy about it. I'm expecting to get it this Monday. I'm hoping it'll get me to practice music some more, I'm excited to use it mostly on FFXIV, even if it is a stupid reason to buy an instrument.

I was recently told I wasn't going to be able to get into the music program at my college and was advised to just go undeclared until I figured out an alternative. I think a lot of the reason I've been such a mess lately is because my entire reason to be has been destroyed, but life goes on and I'm forced to cope anyways, so I will be trying to put together the pieces anyways. I'll keep trying anyways and I need to practice music more because my show is in 3 weeks. I don't touch a single instrument after going home from piano class and rehearsal and I need to change that. But I have no time and no motivation or energy. But I should try to anyways. It'll be good for me and good for everyone else I'm performing with.

I'm so tired. I think I stretched myself too thin this semester. Which is hilarious considering this semester was supposed to be the peaceful one where I relax and recover after the stress fest the last one was. 

I think I'm mostly just clawing my way through this semester until I can finally have a home for myself and a place of my own and the ability to fall asleep next to my partner and not feel like I'm on a ticking time limit before they go away for another long expanse of months. But even then I feel while I'm there I'm going to miss home so much and it'll be another mad crawl towards the next day I'll go back down to hometown. I need to stop letting the future rule my life and letting my days be dedicated towards waiting and crawling and waiting and waiting because the future isn't a given. It's a privilege.

I've been holding up well.

I'm doing my best. 👍 We'll make it through this semester and be okay. We'll have fun doing it.