is life always this hard, or is it just when youre a kid?

today i watched the professional for the second time, and when mathilda said ´is life always this hard, or is it just when youre a kid?`, it made me think of how fucking unfair things were to her, just as they were to me. the ´or is it just when youre a kid?`made me feel so bad, because childhood is the time when youre supposed to be the happiest, and its so unfair that some people get through horrible stuff in this time. its really hard to describe it words. its just that, things shouldnt have been that way, you know. i didnt deserve that, and i dont deserve this. i didnt deserve to have such a hard time with life when i was just a kid, and i dont deserve it now. because i am just fourteen. im still a kid. i shouldnt feel this way. i shouldnt suffer this much. i shouldnt feel so fucking numb that i have to slit my wrist in order to feel like i am real. i shouldnt feel all this weight over me. i am just a kid.

when i think of my childhood, and of how things were for me, i just wish i could relive that time, and make it right this time, even though i know its not my fault things were like that. and knowing that things will be like that forever. i mean, that i can never change what happened to me. that i will have to live with this forever, and never have the chance to change it. i was a kid for just once. why does it had to be like that in this only time?