day 18

wanna reflect a little on why i am so strict with doing certain things and not others. Like last night i absolutely had to get my writepril done, even though it's just a chill thing im doing with my friends. theres no punishments for not doing it one day and i could always do my entry the next day if not miss it all together. but since ive been doing it daily i wanted to keep my streak going.

but when it comes to shit like cleaning my room, personal hygiene, practicing self care, getting movement in, being creative, making a meal, shit like that i cannot for the life of me make it habitual. yes those things are a bit bigger than typing on my laptop, but if i just put my clothes away after taking them off my body, then i wouldnt have to deal with a huge fucking pile of clothes on the floor at the end of the week. putting away pants and a shirt is not that hard, but i just cannot incorporate it into any sort of routine.

i think being out of school has completely destroyed my self discipline and work ethic. i can no longer convince myself to do anything, even when i know its good for me. working with my doctor about tweaking my meds to help this, but there comes to a point where im just being fucking lazy. but i dont know how to stop it any more. i don't know how to get it back.

maybe i'll start something here like a to do list for the next day or something. i find that when there are people to hold me accountable, even if its just a perceived audience like someone could see it, then im more likely to get it done. if i did do that, would y'all want to see it ? (kitty and maimai im talking to you guys lol ur the only ones who see my shit) bc i could just do it privately i guess but if yall would wanna know what kind of shit im up to then id like to just put it out here, because even if know one sees it, theres still a chance, and if theres a chance that someone could hold me accountable ill do it.

ugh trying to be nice to myself but i just feel like an absolute tub of lard. like good for nothing waste of space for real. not actually but a little bit. i just think about how i used to bust my fucking ass to get shit done and now i can barely make it from my bed to the couch.