Things no one talks about: attachment issues.

So, I most likely have BPD (professional opinion) and I can get some serious attachment issues. However, if someone hears about attachment issues, they usually thinking about romantic relationships only, but it's not exactly true.

After my girlfriend broke up with me, my friend became very protective of me, often displaying signs of affection despite stating he just wants to be friends. This really confused the hell out of my disordered brain. Especially since I was just after a break up, my attachment issues were even more sensitive. I wanted to be loved and protected.

That's why I became extremely attached to him. And no, I didn't even fall for him. What I feel for him is just strong attachment, maybe a tiny crush, but you would say nothing serious. However, the attachment IS a problem...

My mind made me believe he is in love with me. I don't know, maybe he is but doesn't want to admit. I guess it's actually very probable, as the whole school thinks we're dating. However, the disordered mind with attachment issues can sometimes become delusional. 

Unfortunately, I have to admit, I have obsessive and possessive tendencies. I'm very jealous, some might even call me a yandere. When I was 16, I planned to kill someone and run away from home for a boy I have fallen for. Don't worry, I didn't manage to hurt anyone and was treated in the mental hospital (please check into one if you're experiencing it, future you will thank you). 

So, yesterday my friend texted me that some girl confessed to him. He didn't even say he accepted, especially since he isn't even interested in dating at the moment, but I still got extremely jealous. Not because I want to date him. It's just that we text and talk every day and I got scared he would lose interest and leave me alone. That's why I got possessive and today I even attempted stalking him to see if he talks to any suspiscious girl. Thankfully he didn't, and he even noticed that I seemt off, which is kinda cute and yet another weird sign that confuses me, since men usually don't do that unless they're actually attracted to you. Same goes for affectionate hugs and flirting, even though we "platonically flirt". It's still addicting and confusing.

Yes, I know I am selfish and in the wrong. However, I decided to open up about it so that I can speak up about something not many people talk about. The actual ugly side of mental illness and personality disorder. The sick jealousy that isn't even rational.

I do not wish to be justified, I just want to tell you, if you are experiencing such symptoms and emotions, please don't be scared to reach out for help from a therapist. These are not healthy behvaiours, yes, they are bad, but remember that they aren't really your fault if you have mental issues. Just try your best to prevent yourself from hurting anyone, including yourself.

Stay safe!

Love, XOXO Pawlina