in theory im not alive

in theory im not alive.... in practice.....;

!well! actually, ive become quite good at it. or not it? idk. being not alive, or rather not being? how am i supposed to be something that isnt, you ask. contradictory. my entire life is contradictory., thats all its ever been. ive been argued over, fought over, ive fought and been fought. its always a loss as long as im involved.

theres not really a a clear indicator as to where im supposed to go from here,  when youre not alive they take less kindly to your sores and nerves. and yet i wait, hand and foot. i developed a bit of agoraphobia it seems. i cant trust much and im scared by the sight of myself. i prefer to stay home and be quiet.

hmm... how else am i not alive. lets think of the ways

1. i dont eat much. angels dont need a whole lot and anyways ive got an idea of what im supposed to look like at some point here.

2. i dont go out and interact with the living. much. if i dont have to i wont. although i do like shopping...

3. i wear the same thing almost every day! i know that sounds gross but i have multiples of this shirt and pants dont get dirty when youre not alive.

4. im rotting. my home is my haunt. its dark, cool, and i burn incense. there are dried flowers. is this a funeral?

the procession marches through my mind to the tune of my swimming vision. i can never fully grieve for what ive lost, and by the time i can i wont be able to. but i suppose ill keep putting myself out there. maybe the formaldehyde exposure will fix things.