entry #3, 4/13/2024 1:08AM

hello.

i didn't get to finish my last entry because i got pulled away. the reason isn't relevant but it's been stressful and annoying. that is all i will say about it.

i'm here again because i'm having a not so great time right now. it's sort of related to entry #2 in the way of my relationship with making and keeping friends. it's more about loneliness.

i have a therapy appointment on the 30th and the days couldn't be moving any slower. everyday i feel worse and worse and i just want to be fixed. i just want to stop hurting so bad.

i have friends whom i love very much and wish i could spend every waking second of my life with. i want to talk to them, play games with them, make art with them, just be around them. but i am always alone.

i don't choose to be alone, it just feels like maybe i should be? i don't want to be alone, being alone sucks so bad. i love being around other people, but i've been alone for so long it feels so familiar to me that i'm scared to not be alone. 

none of my friends will talk to me. not for more than a few minutes anyways. i get it, other people have lives outside of their computers and being with friends, all of my favorite people have jobs and significant others to deal with, i get it, that's just how it is. how it is to be normal.

but i am not normal so i don't have any of those things. i don't have many friends in real life, just the one. we used to hang out so much, go to the beach, go to parks, go to restaurants. then i started studying for my g.e.d. and asking her for some help because i'm terrible at math. then our meetings became all math, nothing else. and it doesn't feel like we're friends anymore. we haven't "hung out" in months, we barely talk anymore. i don't want it to be this way, i want to be friends with her again.

but i think she's growing tired of being around me because our friendship turned weird. and i understand. she already went through school, got her diploma, she has a well paying job now, why would she want to be doing math with someone who's so far behind? i get it. that doesn't mean i can't be sad about it. i just want us to go back to the way we were before.

yesterday, a few of my onlines friends and i were supposed to do an online dnd campaign, starting up a new one. i had initiated the idea, one of my other friends set up the day we would do it, and everyone seemed to be able to make it. except for one friend. one of our other friends couldn't make it that night, so it got called off. i was so excited for it. i was so excited to talk to my friends again, to laugh with them again, stay up till 3 am fucking around. i wanted to do that. but everyone else decided we should just not do it that night since one friend couldn't make it.

and i get it.

i get that sometimes things come up, you can't come to the online dnd session because of something important in real life, that's fine. doesn't mean i can't be upset that i don't get to talk to my friends.

then there are some nights where i'm not online for a while, gone out or something. i'll come back to my computer and open discord to see every. single. one. of my friends in a voice call together. and they'd have been talking for hours and hours with each other. i don't get invited, don't get asked if i want to come and hang out, but everyone else does. everyone else always gets an invite but me.

so, of course, the reasonable thing would be to just join the call anyway, right? i'm not fucking reasonable. i don't join, because i think "if they'd have wanted me there they would've asked me because that's how it always worked in the past." and that is how it always worked in the past. if they wanted me around they pinged me to ask if i wanted to come and hang out. sometimes they would spam my dms about it because they actually wanted me to do be around. but no. now they don't do that anymore. and i'm too polite and don't want to intrude, so i don't join. and then i'm fucking sat in my chair, staring at my screen, thinking about how fucking lonely i am all the time.

a thing happened yesterday in discord. one of my best friends was in one of the voice channels by himself for hours, so i got curious and joined, asking why he was just sat in there by himself. he said he was going to play elder scrolls and stream it to his girlfriend so she could go to sleep watching him play the game. i stayed. she joined after a little while and he started to play his game, and i felt so very unwelcome.

it felt like i shouldn't have been there, and fair enough i guess, he only joined so his girlfriend could watch him play elder scrolls. but he'd been in the call for hours by himself. i was connected on my phone and it eventually died because i'm bad at keeping my phone alive. but i'm glad it died, because that call made me feel even more lonely than i did when i was by myself.

and it feels like all of my friends are distancing themselves from me on purpose and i don't know why. i mean, i know they have jobs, girlfriends, responsibilities and such. but they had all those things before and still had at least a crumb of time left for me, and it felt nice.

but i'm so fucking alone. and i don't see the point in me even being here anymore. i'm only staying because i have cats to take care of, but they're the only thing tethering me to this mortal hell i created for myself.

i'm scared to turn 30. it'll be a long time before then, but my cats won't be here anymore when i'm 30. i hope i'll be fixed by 30, that i'll have a girlfriend by 30, a job by 30, money by 30, a house by 30. something else that will keep me here until i'm old.

fuck.