10/4/24

I told my friend last night that I wanted to kill my self. I told her a lot of things, like how I'm using my medications more often than usual to try and numb my brain a little. Usually at night, so that I don't get in trouble. 

But I do all of this because of something that happened last week. I'll get to that in just a second.

Up until Friday of last week, I have been doing decently. My mental health doesn't suck ass as per usual and I'm even getting along better with my family. I do my chores, I go to school, I go outside, I go to work. All of these are normal, but a big accomplishment to me. They actually didn't go unnoticed by my family, which felt good.

I even got a friend. My coworker considers me one now, and invited me to dinner on Friday with our other coworkers.

It all went smoothly, we had a lot of fun. I was especially happy about it because I hadn't hung out with such kind people in real life in almost 2 years. I smiled the whole time, my face ached afterwards.

That was the problem. Afterwards

I was walking home, it wasn't dark out (it was around 8) and I was on a street with a lot of cars and some people. Nothing happened for most of my journey. I just listened to music and looked at the sky. Eventually I stopped walking to wait for the light, and a man tried to talk to me through my headphones. I pretended that I hadn't heard him since the light saved me. Then I continued my walk home. 

Something felt a little off, so I looked over my shoulder after a few minutes. The same guy was there. So I brushed it off and thought he was just going in the same direction, probably to the grocery store. I turned the corner away from it and he was still following me. I turned three more corners to try and shake this guy and... nothing. 

I started to freak the fuck out, my paranoia is already terrible with this kind of thing, but it's rare that this happens to me, especially with my town being pretty safe. I go up to a random woman and start acting like she's my mothers friend or some bullshit, and she catches on and plays along. The guy would not fucking leave us alone. 

She crosses the street with me while I frantically call my mum, he throws a rock at us (with terrible aim, it didn't even come close) yells a single rape threat directed at both of me and her, and leaves. He was probably drunk and I got home safely after that.

Most of my friends already know, I have a history with rape/sa. Hearing that from a grown man in my own town just a few blocks away from my house set me into a spiral. I've been paranoid since. How has it not even been a WEEK. The thought has made me so nauseous that I've skipped school for 2 days to lay in bed. I've cried every day since then. Little things are beginning to set me off. Everything aches, I'm always scared. I have nightmares every time I catch a few hours of sleep. I'm pretty deprived of that too, by the way. My dad is back to yelling at me. Both of my parents are taking my phone, and I'm pretty sure they found my burner, too.

All this while maintaining a relationship that I'm terrified of ruining. I can't put too much pressure on anyone. You can see now why I came here. It's been 5 days.I think I'm going to die