first rant

09/04/24
It's been now 8/9 years now that I struggle with eating disorders. I never been other than overweight all my life, hell began when I got bullied at school for my apparence, so since elementary school. My family never helped, on the contrary they awlays contribued to make me feel the worst about this. For studies reasons, I'm currently still living with them. Normally, I have 3/5 months left to live here, before finally moving out alone (in, I hope, a better place for me).
[...] My relation with food, and my body, never stopped worsening. I had many, many different phases of multiple and more frequent contradictory mindsets to help me feel better, and for the moment, nothing ever worked on me yet. After all these years, I know my general goals are towards anorexia. Though I'm confident and sure that these goals will bring me way more happiness than I always felt in my current body, I know most people would find my objectives as bad. Caring about people's opinion on me and my feelings always have been a major struggle to me, so do not even worry about me still caring about these. I'm well, well conscious of what people think, and what science think of my goals as well. But science also proves how my overwieght and my daily relation with food is bad as well. [...] Switching through multiple mindsets, all of which have led me to go from gaining weight to losing weight on a daily basis. That's my life. And I have enough of this circus. [...] I'm conscious that my life style is strongly influenced by my atmosphere, this is why I hope (and already start building) that my new home won't make me suffer the same way. But for the moment, I am here, having enough to be such a piece of shit (and this for many reasons). [...] Even how many notebooks I started, how many times I told my friends about me finally finding a way out, a stable way out, of this shit, I never keep up more than a few days. Shame, disgust, is what makes me feel so unstable. Adding the atmosphere around not leaving me free from exercising, having a better diet, or even going out, I always fail to keep up. [...] This is why I'm here, again trying a new way to keep up : notebooks didn't works, orgnized discord server (me alone) didn't work as well, imposed programs neither... So I will try to make blogs enteries everyday to keep day to day my random efforts to lose weight. [...] This place is isolated from my surrounding, I don't think they'll even recognize me here. I'm on my computer for most of the hours of my days so I have no excuse not to come back here everyday. [...] My current goal is to lose as much weight as I'm capable to for the month of July. For reasons I won't quote, I have this deadline that helps me putting pressure on my abandonned tries and extremely toxic habits making me taking weight everyday. [...] I won't tell my global goals in life concerning my lose of weight because I do not want to be judged on it in any way, but also because I deeply know that I won't reach this goal for July... Maybe through the years, but not for July. I will however try my best again to achieve what I have in mind for July, if I reach a satisfying point, even a little change, I know it'll be gamechanger (even just on my moral and hope for the future). It's always better than going down/getting worse...

[...] I won't details everything everytime in my enteries for obvious lack of time and energy, but I'm free anyway to express myself the way I feel in the moment. If things go wrong, then I'll abandon this account and try another way all over again to make a change in my life...