hello.
i find it difficult to keep friends and i don't understand why.
growing up, i was always able to have a bunch of friends, always have someone to hang out with. i don't know how i did it but i did. nowadays it's so difficult for me to find people i think are actually interesting or chill enough to try and be friends with.
i've tried so hard so many times to make and keep friends but it always comes down to me reaching out to talk to them and not the other way around. and i can only come up with so many ways to start a conversation. maybe i am boring.
i don't think i'm boring, i think i'm funny, kind, creative, and cool. but i also think i'm strange to other people. i'm always scared that i'm being too weird but i can't help acting the way i do. it isn't like i'm sexually harrassing people or making bigoted jokes, i'm woke and hip with it. i think i'm silly, or whatever.
and my friends that i do have always seem to endorse and enforce my behavior because they like me the way i am and don't think i'm too weird. so then why is it different with strangers i think are cool that i want to be friends with? why doesn't anyone want to be friends with me the way i want to be friends with them? i just want to stop being so alone, i wanna have at least one person i can just talk to whenever i feel like it.
i want people to fill the void but nobody likes me AND I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHY! WHY DON'T PEOPLE LIKE ME? I'M NOT DERANGED, I'M NOT A CRIMINAL, I DO MY BEST TO NOT BRING PEOPLE DOWN, I WANNA MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY!!! BUT NOBODY LIKES ME
i have a a little brother and he's sixteen. he's a fucking jerk to everyone he knows. he doxxes people, blackmails people, has a billion different girlfriends whom he cheats on all the time, is racist, sexist, homophobic, and he smells bad. he has so many fucking friends that he hangs out with all of the time, he has people that actually want to be around him and listen to him when he talks but he's one of the worst people i know.
i smell nice, i dress nice, i respect people's boundaries, i listen to others when they want to talk, i have fun ideas, i'm not sexist, racist or homophobic, and i'm not vapid. why don't people like me? what are people looking for in friendship these days? everyone i've met who is my age is too normal for me to get along with or so insanely vapid it makes me want to rip my hair out.
anyways, i have to go. might continue rant later. i'm just mad.
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