Entry #028 - Seven of Swords

Spacehey is lagging pretty bad at the moment, and I was unable to open my latest blog entry to refresh my memory on what I'd written.

Regardless, I'm here to vent (into the void) about work. I believe that the Nibiru eclipse and all sorts of other celestial events are heightening energies and causing a lot of distress in general, but this past week has also shown me several unmistakable signs that it's time to quit my job.

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I've boasted before about enjoying my job and enjoying my promotion, but those fleeting feelings of accomplishment have long since worn off. 

Last night I worked over 11 hours with only one brief break to eat a protein bar. I was on my feet and HUSTLING the entire shift. (Skeleton crew problems, very typical in my country.) Nobody can deny that I work very hard, and I am an efficient employee. However, I've noticed that my efforts have been going unappreciated for quite some time. Part of me feels foolish for not noticing it sooner. I was under the impression that I am well-liked and valued at my job... There's no pleasant way to admit how untrue it is. I've never mattered there, and it was made clear to me yesterday at work. 

I suppose I'll spare the details, but I will say that I am deeply saddened and disappointed in my coworkers and my manager. They're incredibly two-faced, and my neurodivergent ass didn't recognize that until recently. It was a really rough night. I closed by myself and clocked out over an hour late, but during my solitude I had plenty of time to think about what matters to me, and what things I can let go of. 

I'm letting go of this job and all of the connections I've made there, seeing as they're more artificial that I once thought. The fakeness of others is so distressing! The job itself isn't the problem — it's the piss-poor management and ownership that are driving that business into the ground. I'm tired of feeling like the only employee who gives a fuck about running things smoothly and putting any effort in at all. I'm done. Lesson learned. Moving on.

I'm not going to bother leaving with "two weeks' notice" at this point. If I get hired elsewhere, I will start working immediately. 

I was actually supposed to attend a potluck with the whole crew earlier today, but I decided not to show up at the last minute. Why should I waste more of my time and energy being a people-pleaser when none of those people like me anyway? They say they do, but their actions show otherwise. 

My decision was finalized early this morning when I felt compelled to draw a card from my tarot deck. Seven of Swords. This card represents deception, betrayal, and caution. I can't even describe how betrayed and deceived I felt yesterday when I was informed of the shit-talking and other nonsense happening behind my back — by the same people who act delighted to see me face-to-face. Another description of this card is: "This card also signifies mental manipulation, tactics, scheming, cunning, enemies who masquerade as friends and spies in your camp." 

It's very clear to me that I need to get the fuck away from there! I'm updating my resume tonight, and this week I will begin the job hunt. And I'm calling in "sick" tomorrow so I can meditate during the eclipse and enjoy the whole day with my spouse, and possibly visit our friend. It's his 30th birthday after all! I'm feeling good about these changes. 

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On that note, do any other Autistic folks feel like you're being taken advantage of quite often? A new hire asked me for numerous extra breaks because she was "in pain" so of course I let her take more breaks, but later I found out that she had lied to me. She was quite proud of herself for wringing extra breaks out of me via dishonesty. It's so disturbing, and frankly I am exhausted. 

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April 7, 2024 | 6:08 PM PST | day before the eclipse