# 10; fog

well it's been a minute. i have a feeling that this was never gonna gt done unless i did what i am doing right now, which is forcing myself to sit down and write this. so much comes to mind. i'm high, but not in a fun way, it's at the point where i'm like self aware and shit but my head really fucking hurts and diufuchvbj the advil isn't kicking in and it's annoying me and i've got work tomorrow and a whole lot of hw on my plate but Blog Entry yk. yk? yeah. my room smells strongly of peppermint, i just put a few drops of peppermint oil in the corners to keep the bugs out. mostly the ants. which have been slowly, but surely, working their way into my room and i'm pissed about it.

uhhh, what else beyond the obvious. apparently i worried a bunch of extended family for reaching out and telling them i love them during an episode i had yesterday. i literally wasn't even like. Depressed i just Genuinely wanted to let them know i loved them long story but apparently my mom got some worried phone calls. sorry mom! i'm fine just overly emotional about everything

anyway elephant in the room i don't know why i'm dancing around it so much (i do know why. thinking about it makes me incredibly emotional) but on the 24th and 27th of march i went to two fall out boy shows and holy fuck i'd give anything to go back to those days. i will absolutely never in my life forget how at home i felt and how just in the moment i was during it all and i met so many amazing people both new and established friends and i just held onto every single second so tightly, begging them to never slip away, every second of every minute of every song and so on and so forth, and no matter what way i try to word any of this just a mess of emotion comes out that still is so completely inefficient at actually describing what i'm feeling. it's so much. there's so much. i don't think i've ever been as happy as i was on those two days. so vividly i remember hearing the pink seashell start on sunday and the arena just being dark save the frown/smile looming over everyone and how so many people i knew were various places in the audience feeling the exact same way i was and all i could think about was how i wanted that feeling to become my forever. during the same moment as the show was starting on wednesday i cried tears of joy that i was able to feel that safety and security and excitement again so soon. i didnt think about how it was, for now, the last time for me. idk im just kind of word vomiting and usually thats what i do when i write a poem so maybe i should do that instead of a blog BUT ANYWSAY I CANT END THIS POST WITHOUT SAYING THAT I MET PATRICK AND PETE AFTER THE SHOW IN ALBANY. AND I GOT TO GIVE PATRICK ANOTHER LETTER AND I GOT TO GIVE PETE SOME OF MY POETRY. AND THAT I HAVENT SHGUT UP ABOUT IT FOR EVEN A SECOND SICNE IT HAPPENED. I MISS MY BOYS. I HAVE TALKED A LOT ABOUT IT + ALL OTHER 2OUR OCCURRENCES ON TWITTER (@CHAEYABEE) . I MISS THEM SO MUCH I MISS THEMRJFKMDBFMD my head does not feel good holy carp. love you! i'll try to write something more coherent later when i don't feel like my brain's been put in a jar of strange foggy liquid and shaken around

sweet dreams? maybe..

xo qr