self-fulfilling prophecy

i won’t even fucking bother.

i jinxed myself, or i am insane and do have a personality disorder, it doesn’t matter—i want to break up, and i want to talk to my ex-best friend and i miss him and in everyone i meet i try to find pieces of him but his ghost evades me. 

my best friend and i talked for a couple of hours and she told me that the thing that hurt her the most regarding her break up was not that the romance in itself had died out, but that he had deprived her of their friendship. and it clicked, and i got so angry i wanted to rip my hair out.

i had been angry, but i never mourned, i just buried everything so deep inside of myself that this explosion was inevitable. when we talked, the further we went, the more i realized, and i admitted things to myself, and her, that i never thought possible. 

it’s so, so painful. 

i can’t breathe, i want to talk to him, i want to know what his hair looks like now, i want to know if he’s wearing the same old glasses and if he is still reading those same old books. i want, and i want, and i want, and i want and i can’t have it. i don’t know if it would be right, and i hate to know that i care for him, because if i didn’t i would’ve reached out by now—but one year and four months is not enough.

does he talk with someone else the way he did with me?

does he discuss things the same way?

does he see me when he’s driving by my side of the town?

does he remember my laugh, does he reads the books i liked, does he listen to the music we used to share (i do), does he try to look for me, does he care, does he, does he, does he?

can i swallow my pride?