Diary of a dumb bitch 4.3.2024

First off I'm gonna say WOW what a rabbit hole i've been down tonight. In a desperate search for nostalgic websites I used to basically live my life on back in the day I found my old fanfiction accounts and I have cried and laughed so hard at these accounts. The older account contains my terrible writings all the way back from 2007 up until 2013 aka 6th grade through my senior year of high school. Thats a whole lotta growth between each story there. 

Plus there's a newer account with my work from 2014-2015 on it and that account actually made me cry because on my profile page it literally says "I'm just a lazy college kid who dreams of being an author." when I dropped out in 2015 because I was homeless and in an incredibly abusive relationship. And seeing that on there literally felt like a punch in the gut. 

So over the course of the last few hours I've sat and read all of the things I ever wrote and published on there and actually saw the growth and how much I really used to love to write. You can see the growth and progression in my writing skills and I'm just so sad I really gave that up and let life just take that away from me. 
I used to write in journals and write songs and poems and original stories and so many fanfictions, and I just lost myself somewhere along the line and let go of one of the things i had been so passionate about. 

I feel like it's a huge part of my healing process to take that back. I've put it off for so many years feeling like I just never have the time or energy to when in reality I could be writing instead of scrolling through facebook aimlessly or drawing or playing video games exploring new worlds. 

I really have just been coming to realize how much of ME I've truly lost in all these years of heartache and misery. I need to cling to the things that make me happy like I used to. Because Damn it I still do want to be an author, and I want to make art, and i want to keep working in the music industry, and theres no one sitting here breaking me into pieces telling me i cant do shit but myself now. I finally have broke free of all the men i've let fucking break me down for years and really focusing on rediscovering myself again and just trying to be happy again.