Another blog of me complaining about being single lol

So yesterday I cried myself to sleep because of how badly I want to be in a relationship lol. In my defensive, it was the first day of my period and I was high so my emotions were all over the place. But anyways, the topic of my love life has been very prevalent recently and I don't know when or how I'll get over it. I always get over it and have some epiphany about enjoying my years of being single, but it's becoming harder to get passed it. It all started with me watching a RemLife youtube video, and in the video Remi says "thank u my love" to her bf and he responds by saying "your welcome, you look so pretty" and something about that small interaction made me tear up. Why? Because it's so fucking sweet and wholesome and how nice it must be for simple words like that to be your norm, and thinking about that made me actually cry. Then, I did the mistake of telling my best friend (who's in a relationship) about that and it lead to a conversation I didn't want to have about my love life and how hard it is for me to date because I've been independent for so long and I can't imagine myself actually being in a relationship and that hurts. Plus, it was so obvious that my friend didn't get how I was feeling which made me feel frustrated and alone. And that's what drives me crazy. Everyone around me makes finding a partner, or even just being in a committed relationship look so easy, and because of that, I can't help but feel like I'm the problem. Which is not a hard pill for me to swallow, but it's just the thought of when the hell is that part of me going to change. I hate when people say "once you stop looking for love, love will come and find you" because wtf does that even mean? You're telling me the minute I tell myself "I don't want a relationship" love will come to me, but when I do actually want it, it won't? Also, how tf am I suppose to not want a relationship? It's not like I'm actively looking, but I'm always gonna want it. And this is the part that drives me insane. When I do have an opportunity of taking the next step with someone, I get scared and cut ties with the person. Which is fucked up. Because how tf am I gonna sit here and talk about how sad my love life is, and then turn around and reject people left & right because I'm scared of commitment. My excuse is I won't feel the need to run away when the right person comes along, which isn't realistic. Because the whole point of relationships is getting through the hardships and talking through the insecurities and communication, therefore, the love of my life isn't just gonna appear out of thin air and heal all my insecurities without me needing to say anything. I'm gonna need to tell someone I love them and be prepared for the rejection (which fuck that btw). I hate getting rejected, it's the most embarrassing feeling ever. I can't go through heart break and rejections just for me to find "the one," I'm not someone who can date around. I want a life partner, someone who will grow with me and watch each other go through life separate and together. And just to add to the list, since I only want to fall in love once, the idea of falling in love with the wrong person that'll literally destroy my life and future terrifies the shit out of me. I've see too many scenarios of people marrying the wrong person and how hard it is for them to get out of it. I don't ever want to live through that, because I know I'm not strong and I will be extremely harmful to myself. And that. fucking. sucks. I'm a hopeless romantic who's scared to fall in love, and scared of commitment, and hates rejection, and has a terrible social life, and has an avoidant attachment style, and has high expectations, but craves the attention and intimacy of someone who will love me unconditionally. At the end of the day, that's all I want. For once, I want to be someone's first choice and be loved. And I want to love someone with my whole being and prove my love to them any chance I get. I know I'm probably hard to love and don't really deserve it, but I just want to be loved. But I feel like that's asking for a lot lol. Anyways. I just have to get use to being alone. But I've been alone for so long, and I want that to change. I'll forever want a relationship, and I'll just have to live with it. Can't wait for that ! 😀