03/25-03/31 Despairing

I started out this week so hopeful about college and now I feel like I'm in danger of being depressed. I had meeting with both my CSU and current university counselors, which both went fine. The CSU one was really trying to draw me in and my current advisor was like we're sad to see you go, but I wish you luck. I told myself that after those meeting I would make my decision but now I feel more confused than ever. The upfront cost of locking myself in and applying for housing is enough, in total it would be $650. The thing that's really making me feel conflicted is the cost of just one year, which my CSU student account estimates to be $56,000. After knocking off a bit of money after estimated student aid and scholarships I'd probably have to take out a $41,000 loan each year. By then end of four years (I would be admitted to CSU as a freshman) that would be $164,000 that I have to pay back. 

Even if I apply to dozens of scholarships each year they won't add up enough to offset the brunt of that. Plus, there's very little chance I'll ever have it forgiven since the supreme court thinks everyone who is struggling due to taking out student loans is a stupid baby who doesn't know what's good for them. Even though they probably paid in full for all their grandkids to go to the best of the best colleges. I have no idea where I'm going to be after I graduate but I am fairly certain that I won't be able to pay that off. Right now at my current school I'm financially set; my tuition isn't that high so my aid and two really good scholarships cover everything. In fact, this semester I didn't have to pay anything in tuition and was able to start paying off interest for my student aid loans. 

I know that the logical thing is to stay at my current place and not even go to CSU but my heart wants to go there. I could just wait one more year but for some reason my brain is throwing a fit over that. Last night I was seriously having a bit of breakdown thinking about waiting a year. I've literally been losing sleep every night this week thinking about how I'm going to pay for it. The only idea I've had to maybe go next semester is by asking my friend who sent to Penn State how she paid for it, since out-of-state tuition there is $38,000. If she answers something like "My parents paid for everything," or "They gave me a full ride scholarship for playing tuba in their band," then I guess I'm just fucked.

The more I think about it the less likely it seems I'm going to go to CSU next semester. The cost is too great. I've invested so much into this and nothing may come out of it. I've had meetings and applied to so many scholarships and fantasized about moving out there and it's all going to be for nothing. I'm going to have to wait a year and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm just so angry and sad, I haven't been this disappointed about something since I was 15 and realized I would have to wait three years to go on testosterone. I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end, it doesn't even matter.

I don't know. Even with all this misery at least the violets have exploded and the bees and wasps came with them. I like to watch them. And I only have one month of school left. Plus it was my birthday on Friday. I got a depeche mode CD, a puzzle, and a 9lbs cast iron wok. Me and this wok are bonded for life now. It will go with me through thick and thin and probably outlive me by centuries if it doesn't end up in a garbage dump when I die.