entry #0, 3/31/2024 4:57PM

hello. i wanted to expand upon what my page is going to be for so i'm doing that here in this entry. 

i want to get a few things out of the way: i am not trying to be an arg/creepypasta/whatever. i am not looking for attention. everything i write in these entries will be as truthful as i feel to make them. i am not here to make friends so do not send me friend requests. i'm not looking for sympathy so don't comment "you are loved" or something similar on my profile or blog entries. some of my entries may include heavy topics and will be marked as such. do not offer me advice unless i ask for it. do not offer me solutions to my problems.

so, what is this and why am i doing it here?

for starters, spacehey is kind of niche. there are a lot of people here but not enough for me to feel worried about how many people will see my beating heart in my entries. plus, a lot of the people here seem to be unwell, as am i. 

i want to use this website's blog feature as a way to get the stuff that's in my head out of my head. i do have friends and family that i can talk to about my feelings, they've let me know plenty of times that i can. i'm just scared to do that.

i'm scared to let the people i care about know how i'm really feeling because i don't want to make them sad, or make them judge me, or make them leave me. i'm mostly scared they'll leave me if i open up about stuff.

it's an irrational fear because "the people who truly care about you will stay" i've heard that a million times but there isn't anything really keeping those people near me besides the me that i show them. i believe our connections are conditional, or i'm scared they're conditional. 

i believe this fear stems from the fact that my mom was never really there for me when i was growing up. sure, she'd show up from time to time to make sure i was still attached to her, but outside of the occasional appearance once every year or so, she wasn't there. whenever she'd leave, i remember i'd always ask myself, while sobbing my eyes out, "why am i not enough for her?" because i guess i blamed myself and thought i was missing something she needed in order to stay. of course now, as an adult, i know i'm not the reason she's like that. but that fear still eats at me and keeps me from getting too close to the people i care about. 

always scared they'll just leave, because if my own mother can do it then why can't they as well? so, i never talk to them. not about the serious stuff anyways. i always try to be silly and funny so they'll like me and stay, i listen to them when they want to talk to me about their problems so they can see me as reliable and useful and they'll stay. i'm not saying i feign concern, i do care about them and will absolutely help them when i can because i know they'd do the same for me, probably. i don't know, i just really care about my friends. 

i want them to know how i'm doing. i always want to tell them how i'm feeling but before i get the chance, my paranoia swoops into action and plants little seeds of doubt in my mind. what if you open up and they turn out to not care that much? what if you open up and they decide you're too depressing to be around, so they leave? what if you open up and they judge you for the way you feel? then i just. don't. i'll say "i'm just tired" or "i'm alright" or "i'm alive". 

and that is where spacehey comes in. i don't know any of you people and i don't care about any of you people but you are all still people that can (probably) read! i want to be heard but not by the people i care about leaving me. i don't care who reads these and i don't care if they leave either, because my entries are going to be thrown into the sea of other entries on this website, only to be read by five people at most, maybe even less.

that is what dan will be for me. a trauma dumping grounds. that's all i want to say for entry #0. i'll make new entries whenever i'm in one of my Moods, or something.