comfort person (healing from them)

want to start this by saying that i havent been here for a loooonngg time. a lot of things have changed, people around me have changed, i have changed.

and i wish that in this post i was writing about the fact that ive found my comfort person but thats a lie. if i wouldve remembered about this site like 2 months ago, that is what i wouldve written. ive finally found someone who gets me, who brings me this sense of peace and comfort. but as Taylor Swift once said: but the rain is always gonna come if youre standing with me.even if it feels like this peace is going to last forever, it never will. 

i met this person. i remember the first time i saw him i almost like knew shit is going to go down. i dont know how. i just knew, i felt it, and i thought about it. and i wasnt wrong. 

this post isnt in-detail post about every great and bad think but more my thoughts and philosophical view on everything.  

i really felt safe with him, even though sometimes i got hurt. it didnt matter at the time. people make mistakes and learn from them, and its alright. i mean, its alright as long as i see that youre learning from them and doing better. youre learning how to be with eachother. i dont really believe in this magical compatibility among people, i think that it takes a lot of work and strength to learn what other person likes, dislikes, accepts and find the thing that combines you. 

but when one person is giving their all for that to happen and other just distancing everytime something goes wrong, it wont work. and between us it just doesnt work and it never will if we both dont try. 

but now i dont want to try, i feel like i gave my all and if it wasnt enough then thats not my problem anymore. 

i liked him a lot, now i just see a ghost and shadow of who he used to be, reminding me everyday what i lost. cause i did lose him, that him that i know. and it does make me sad. but the new "he" lost me. me who i used to be, me who i still am. 

i hope hes atleast a bit sorry, but most likely he isnt, and i dont really care anymore.

im tired form all of this and am really ready to let go, hes not worth it anymore.

i know he wont change, and im not asking him to. 

i would give everything for 5 minutes with the old him that i knew. 

i still would give everything for him. 

but hes not that person anymore.

so i dont have anything to give him now. 

i dont want to give him anything anymore. 

shit happens, its life

hurt, cry, scream, fear, be mad, hate, accept, learn, cry, think, accept, be tired, understand, understand, learn, understand, listen, focus, space, dont care, wonder, be calm, let go. 

thats the cycle i went through. and im grateful for every step of it :)

i hope youre doing well, you can get through this, i promise!!!

there are so many beautiful things near and ahead of you, just wait!!!