Never got over being tutored as a child.

When I was a kid, around kindergarten, I cried at our graduation because I did not get an award or honor. Then my mother got a me a tutor to tutor me. until 4th grade I got honors but eversince my auntie, the one who tutored me, left because she finished college and move somewhere, I never learned how to study on my own. I t's always so difficult. I realized that I never truly learned how to study on my own because I got by, and passed all K - 12 without studying but if I just learned to study a little bit, I would have an award.

 I now that I have a base intelligence of being able to comprehend all the basic and average difficulty. But when I feel like something is going beyond that level and it is starting to actually become difficult, I stop. AND THATS A BIG MISTAKE. Because I know that once I go past that level of difficulty, I will finally up my skill and actually be able to take on that level. For example, In elementary school I really enjoy Math like I understood it and I am happy doing it and always getting a perfect score, then my tutor left so I don't study anymore, then I started to fail and hated it but in 9th grade I actually listened and tried to learn the subject that I started to enjoy it again and it started making sense to me. Eventually, after a quarter, I stopped again because I saw that I got a good grade. What I also needed was commitment. I need to commit to what we are learning at school or what I want to do. I need to be able to do it for a long time. COMMIT 

That's my problem right now, I need overcome that. But the root of the problem is that I don't have the discipline to study and focus for long periods of time and actually absorb information. I need to get this habit first then while I've finally have the habit of studying, I can finally work on difficult knowledge. 

okay I can do this. We can do this! Just stay positive, you may doubt yourself, BUT FUCK IT, DO IT WHILE YOU'RE DOUBTING YOURSELF. KEEP GOING.