Day 108 of foreshadowing day 109

Today was fine, a bit of a lazy day, I won't have time tomorrow, this shit will not fly tomorrow, I gotta get through my to do list by 12. Oh! Quick disclaimer! No blog tomorrow, if there is then there is but there probably won't be. Also! In the last blog, I claimed that I couldn't bring a trans person home, I didn't mean that I would be ashamed just that I come from a very conservative household, you guys know me by now but yk? I guess if you misinterpret that, it can sound really icky and a lot of people who read these (myself included) are under that umbrella. I'm rambling again, let's save it for the blog.

• Some semblance of productivity 
• Oh the misery
• Acting a fool in the church
• MOCHA REVIEW IN REAL TIME!!
• Mothanthropy 
• Quote of the day!!

So, this morning, I decided to dust off the old schedule from when this was a self improvement blog, remember that unhealthy concept of changing one self to please others. I think during that time, I told a good handful of people not to change themselves for other people, Shakespeare could not write better irony! This is why I'm a writer, there's no greater story than that of our lives! Anyway, I busted out that old schedule, modified a bit and got to work on it. I stopped like half way, I didn't even get to do my work. You know, the work my teacher said I should do or I may fail my exam, the work she emailed me about telling me to start the minute I got the email. I'll start Thursday! I worked it out, it fits. Anywhooo, I wanted to keep myself in check because when vacation comes I get so disgusted with myself, I hate wasting time yet I am the biggest time waster so I'm sure you can connect the dots. I need to be doing something always or I'll feel terrible about myself. Good thing is, I was busy for most of the morning. I am kind of impressed with myself, like I trimmed my schedule down and couldn't get it done but I used to have wayy more things on there and get all of them done some days while I had school and now I can't finish a modified version of that on a day where I'm at home doing nothing. How far the mighty have fallen.

Okay! I mentioned that I picked up Wuthering heights and I started it yesterday. I hated it but Im trying to finish more books, so I picked it up again this morning and I thought I'd atleast read my minimum amount. I read 24 pages at minimum every day because that's 24 books per year. The amount of pages you read per day is approximately the amount of books you finish in a year. I tried that last year and it's actually true and and even this year, I'm getting to around 24 books because I'm finishing two books per month and then the weird thing is I'd read a book in a week then the other book takes me 3 weeks. Or I read a book in two weeks and another book also takes me two weeks. It's so strangely accurate. Anyway, my opinion changed in those 24 pages. I feel so deeply for these characters now. Wuthering Heights is essentially about haunting, being haunted not by ghosts or apparitions but by the past, by people and lives. The prologue is about this household of people at each other's throats and they are haunted by the past. By the life of Catherine in all three forms and so is the main character, the dream sequence was cool, he dreams about Catherine a character from before his arrival, very deeply involved in Wuthering Heights. Then he wants to know more and we learn from the perspective of the narrator learning about Catherine and Heathcliff and Hindley. Hindley is an ass! Hate him and Heathcliff is this kid they adopted and Catherine is a good friend to Heathcliff. Hindley hates Heathcliff. It's so bittersweet rn. Catherine and Heathcliff have such a beautiful relationship but none of them are really appreciative of that, Heathcliff is appreciative but he's so moody and miserable and hung up on revenge against Hindley and Catherine is too focused on her more civilized friends when Heathcliff would accept Catherine no matter what. Uggghh, it's taking a turn for the worse but I do enjoy the misery of old books. 

This is so embarrassing. I never tell church stories because first of all, they can ostracize some people, I know many people with religious trauma so, yk? But I don't have another thing to fill that slot so we're talking about church. I've had to go to these evening church services and they're short so that's good but I can't stop embarrassing myself in the church. Atleast none of the pretty girls and their prettier mothers attend the evening services. Thank goodness! But I got in and sat down, it didn't start yet, people were still walking in, yet I was nodding off. It's only 6pm and I'm getting tired. So, I tell myself that I should wait. It's a church service where people are selected to read before hand and everyone selected goes stands up at once so there will only be a handful of people left sitting. I was left sitting so I took that as an opportunity to nap. I couldn't, I wasn't tired anymore. I was almost upset. Anyway, this is the really bad part, the readers had to sit down again and this old lady came to my pew and walked in and then realized she was in the wrong pew and she knocked over a book. Now, before I continue, I'm tired which means that my brain isn't getting enough oxygen so bear that in mind because I was bursting. Something about that old lady made me wanna laugh so hard. I clenched my teeth as hard as I could. Then when we left, I just couldn't help myself, I started laughing uncontrollably and then I just had the giggles and everything was funny, it all goes downhill from there.

I don't know why my mom did this but she brought me a mocha just now. I guess she really stopped drinking coffee, then why did she make it? Not for me, she didn't put sugar in so she must've made it for herself but I'm not complaining. She made a mocha and I'm gonna review it! IN REAL TIME! I've asked and people love this segment for some reason, I don't know why, me, personally, I love the book club stuff where I talk about what I'm reading but I'm not gonna bash you guys, this is a fun segment. First sip! (Lies! I had a sip before because I just couldn't wait). That's good, that is and excuse my language, a damn fine mocha! It's so rich so creamy, it's not very sweet but that doesn't matter, all these other flavors are given room to shine by the lack of sweetness. The last time I had a mocha this good was the first time I ever drank coffee, I was at a Cafe a few years ago and we were doing a group project and we all ordered so I got myself a mocha. (As I'm telling the story of my first coffee, this song called Do You Remember The First Time is playing, SONG COINCIDENCE!) It was so good and from then on, I never looked back. What a memory! That was two years ago, yes, Pulp, I do remember the first time! I do! I can't wait to finish this cup! It's so good. And to everyone worrying about my health, it doesn't have a lot of caffeine in, my mom made it for herself initially so she didn't put a lot in. 

Anywhoooo! I keep saying I'm not a misanthrope and I'm not but I came up with a new word. Mothanthropy! So it's like you crave interaction like all people but you just don't have it in you to talk to people or person, I don't know, it's a flexible definition as of right now. On a more serious note, I've been so bleghhhhhhh. I'm so eghhhhhhhhhh. So uggghhhhhhhh! I just can't right now. I made plans for myself to hang out with a friend tomorrow, am I an idiot??? Yes! I can't back out....I'm just gonna hope for the best! Im just tired of people right now. Not my online friends, I definitely see you all as real people but like some of the social cues present in a face to face conversation are absent. Like I get so anxious about my perception and what I'm doing, how I look, how I sound and it's tiring, I'm tired of worrying about that constantly and constantly being aware of it, being aware of it only makes it worse too. There is one person im actually excited to see, this is so gap moe, someone in the writers room was not present when writing this arc because I don't want to see one of my best friends but I do want to see my younger cousin/family friend/ am too lazy to explain our relation to one another who I've previously called annoying and have dreaded his visit but I'm looking forward to him visiting. I have my hypothesis! So I'm not male but I'm sure others understand that we all have roles to fulfill, right? Some of those roles are based on out assigned gender at birth, kinda fucked up but whatever and I know I said I'm too lazy to explain our relationship but we'll call this kid Blake. So Blake's mom is friends with my mom, they're childhood friends and Blake was born 5 years after me and because our moms are friends we were forced into friendship, I find it a lot easier to call him my cousin but that makes me look incestuous because I remember finding one of Blake's cousins attractive so I started calling him a family friend but then like I also have to call him mom a family friend and that's a neutral term so it's confusing. I remember in one blog, I just called him kid, what is this blood meridian?? Anyway, Blake is a friend of mine! The friend word is scary okay, for a number of reasons, you'll notice, I call you all mutual and I'll only ever use the word "friend" if someone calls me that first. But I'll call Blake a friend. He's a little lacking in male role models and I think that's incredibly important, I don't even know why, I grew up around women but I still believe that because boys go down terrible paths without them and I'm just a Rarity. I try to be that for him, a positive role model to kind of push in the right direction. I've been doing it very reluctantly but I've had a change of heart! I'm noticing my impact is starting to become present in his character. That's nice. I'm speaking too much.

Here's a quote that fits what I just mentioned, I think 

I was a boy then, my chest its own field flowered by restlessness. - Geffrey Davis 

I read it in a poem. Geffrey Davis is an amazing poet, he truly has this way with words, I forgot the name of the poem I read this in but it was this long, epic, poem about horses and coyotes and it was just beautiful. It fits what I said both in the sense that Blake is growing up and I'm maturing! I'm realizing that this kid was just being a kid. Woah! Symbolic! What did I say at the beginning, something about how there's no better story than that of our lives, isn't that symbolic? I decided to give him a name after so many entries where I gave him a random, distant title. Character development, you should try it sometime...

Let's end it there, good morning everyone! I say that because my power is out again, the cable snapped, can you believe that? So I will post this in the morning. Thank you all for reading, this is a long one and one of my favorite ones, I have my favorite entries even after so many, there are still ones I hold near and dear. Thank you all!