03.25.24

Tomorrows my birthday. Eighteen. I wonder how many books start off like that. My parents wouldn't be here tomorrow, or the day after that. They weren't here today either. Not their fault though, mine actually. Planned a quick trip to the beach for spring break, and eninvertantly; my birthday. I invited my friend to come, A. She said she was free, and i got super excited. But she found out she had plans for that week that she didnt know about, so she cancelled. That upset me a lot. Its not like shes the only friend i have that im close enough to be able to invite somewhere. So I just decided i did not want to go. 

Its not like i wanted to celebrate my birthday, and a road trip and new house is not exactly the least stressful scenerio. I know its selfish to cancel like that, even after my parents rented out a very nice airb&b, but i just couldnt muster up any tolerance. Thats why theyre gone this week; theyre going to stay at the coast instead of me. Which im fine with, dont get me wrong. Im at the house with my brother, and thats fine. He says hell make some authentic pasta tomorrow night for us, which i appreciate. 

I may be hanging out with L tomorrow, since hes bored out of his mind. Hes got this major crush on a girl at his work, and she has a name like a drag queen. I call her Elvira, since thats simmilar to her real name, and just as dramatic. Id prefer to go walk around town with L, but knowing us, well probably end up lazing around at my house, eating cake and watching Bar Rescue. 

Men have been weirder towards me lately. Ive been putting my hair up and out of my face recently, and ive noticed more stares. I got the highschool boy version of catcalled on Thursday, then a man on the street practically jumped at me and my friend, trying to pass us on the sidewalk the same day. That was my first experience actually freezing up. 

I had noticed a man in a hoodie behind us, him being the same man me and A saw at McDonalds acouple blocks back-- and i got a bad feeling at the fact that not only it was the same man, but that he had been behind us for multiple blocks and we had not noticed him. I think he noticed me looking back and noticing him, and either out of concern for scaring us, or having enough of possibly following us, he decided to try and pass us.

After i noticed him, and before he moved to pass us, i noticed the block ended a couple feet away, and a bus stop. I planned to take A and stand by the street to stop taking up the entire sidewalk and make the man pass us. Before i could though, i guess he speed up, and literally popped right next to us-- inbetween A, (who was standing on the inside of the sidewalk) and the trees that lined the edge of it. He popped up so fast, (saying excuse me of course) that it caused A to shriek. It scared me too, it looked like he was going to GRAB her!

I tightened my hold on A, and just looked at the man. Glaring sort of. I tried to make a conscious effort to change my expression when he looked at me. To open my mouth, say something, or excuse ourselves for taking up the entire sidewalk. But i just couldnt move my face. That was my first experience freezing up, even if it was just my face. Nevertheless, it scared me. I am admittedly, scared of men. But ive always been strong willed, and a person of action. So naturally, i thought i was excempt from freezing up. I assumed i would be able to shake myself out of it, to make myself move. But now i realize im not. I realize that the feeling that happens upon a woman when they freeze up isnt just disgust and violation due to what is happening to them, but fear for more than their dignity-- their life. Now, i feel more powerless than before. And my horrification of men only grows. 

So of course, i had the good luck of being scared again, straight the next day. I want to downplay what happened, since in all honestly it wasn't much. But i also am hesitant to bypass the fear i felt and offer that boy the benefit of innocence. Like i said before, ive somehow attracted the eye of boys now more than ever. The boy from that day, i did not recognize. 

Lunch had just began, and i was walking outside towards the building where my friends class was. Many people hang around the outside of that building in particular. One of those people was a boy in a blue hoodie. I made eye contact as i past him, and noticed his automatic smile. 

For some lore and context; i knew a boy in middle school who would smile at me that same way. He was short, and perverted. He touched any girl he could, and harassed the rest. He had attempted to touch me before, and had groped my friend mutiple times. He really liked me, since i wouldnt take his shit. Guess his stupid pervert brain took that as me being into him. And he would smile at me with a mixture of smugness, amusement, and something predatory.

Another boy i knew at the time, i had been semi-friends with. But then he gained feelings for me, and decided to touch me during class. It was the first time something so direct happened to me, and after the class ended and i frantically left the room looking for a friend to speak to-- he followed after me. Smiling, that same smile. Finding amusement in my fear. I had run into a male friend of mine, and tried to put him between me and the boy who had touched me. I hoped he would understand. He did, i guess. And prompted to make a joke, asking me if the boy in question was going to rape me. 

That guy in question did have a habit of making rape jokes in middle school. Cant say he grew out of it.

So when that boy in the blue hoodie smiled at me in that same way, it caught me off guard. Even when i passed him, i knew he was still looking at me. When i turned the corner to approach the door, i glanced back and saw him trailing a fair amount behind me. Still. Smiling. 

I went inside, rushed up the stairs, looked back. There he was, at the base of the stairs, smiling. I continued up the next flight of stairs and went straight into the girls bathroom. I didn't see him again after that. I dont really know what to say, it just scared me. And i dont know what i hate more, the thought that he may have seen that as a game of cat and mouse that i enjoyed, or was teasing him with-- or the thought that he found amusement in making me uncomfortable. Boys who like me tend to like to hurt me more. So i tend to be scared of the tiniest of things. Thats why im looking into this so much.

Its 12:19 right now. 

Happy Birthday to me i guess. Logging off.